RIDICULOUSLY SHORT FICTION

When I was a little kid growing up in Butane, Nevada, my Grandmother would always say to me, "Doug, there ain't nuthin' in this world that tastes better than California Soup."

As a child I was always cautious when it came to adults. I knew they could lie like hell when they wanted to and I found myself questioning everything that came out of their mouths.

"Grandmother," I would ask her, "what the hell do you mean, 'there ain't nuthin' in this world that tastes better than California Soup'? That doesn't make any sense at all. You goddamn old people think you know everything just because your skin is wrinkled to hell and your tits sag to the floor. I mean, I respect the fact that you're old and all, but I just don't see how that makes you an expert on anything except constipation and how to bitch 'til you're blue in the face. So why don't you take your California Stew or whatever you call that shit and get out of my face, alright? Alright?

My Grandmother would then take me in her arms, smile and say, "I have big hopes for you Dougie, big hopes." Then she'd give me one of her famous noogies and off I'd go to piss off more old people, which is what I really enjoyed doing and have ever since.

DEATH FUNGUS I

by Chris Auman

In the beginning God created Earth. It took him several days but on the eighth day, God created Death Fungus and it was naaaasty!

 

 

DEATH FUNGUS II

by Chris Auman

The Death Fungus ruled the Earth for millions of years, until 1989 when it was finally defeated by a group of heroic fiend hasslers, who destroyed the killer mushroom after thirty-four hours of melee combat. God pondered on what he would do now that the Death Fungus had been obliterated by the small group of Heroic Fiend Hasslers. Ultimately, he decided to create a beast more terribly terrifying than the Death Fungus, more outrageously outrageous, more dangerously dangerous, more menacingly menacing. God would create . . . Death Fungus II. The earth caught fire and was hurled into oblivion never to be seen or heard from again.

 

DEATH FUNGUS III

by Chris Auman

It seemed at first that DF II would rule iron-fisted as did its predecessor DF I, showing little sympathy for the less fortunate of Universal Organisms, especially ones not blessed with the intelligence DF II itself possessed. It was rumored in most galaxies that not even the small group of heroic fiend hasslers could prove a match to such as ruthless mass of collective fungi. This may have been true, for the small group of heroic fiend hasslers had been in a state of perpetual celebration of their victory over DF II and as a consequence, were seldom sober. Despite their nonstop debauchery, they had managed to launch a fairly successful marketing campaign angling off the historic DF II victory. Together with various fast food franchises, the fiend hasslers cashed in on t-shirts, movie rights, soft drinks and a line of luxurious yet affordable automobiles. The tennis shoe line did not catch on however. Death Fungus Sneakers was not the most appealing of names, nor was the smell that the shoes emitted when bodily excretions mixed with the newly developed space-aged polymer the shoes were manufactured with.

The fiend hasslers themselves, about twelve in all, now operated under the name of Fiend Hasslers Inc.™, and in the opinion of most, had lost their edge. They were generally thought to be tired old hacks whose recent attempt at putting together a political party had failed miserably in the pre-preliminary primaries. They were, in short, to be pitied. The creation of Death Fungus II and the destruction of Earth brought the tiniest shimmer of hope to the otherwise drab lives of the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ This was another God-given chance for the group to jump start their careers. After all sequels sell, as do prequels.

The only foreseeable problem was that DF II was one bad mofo who did not like to get hassled and was one mean hombre when it did. The other problem was that the new and improved DF II was no bigger than your thumbnail (humanoid races only) and not especially visible in diffused light.And what is the universe after all, but a whole lot of diffused light?

It was a young Martian of some Earthen descent (he was Italian on his mother's side) who decided that the whole problem with Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ was that they were poorly managed. These guys are fiend hasslers not businessmen was Micky "The Martian" Battaglia's main contention with the group. He offered to manage the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ for a forty percent cut in all merchandising profits stemming from what he promised to be the unquestionable defeat of DF II in what would be perhaps the greatest fight in the history of Pro Hassling.

DF II had other plans, and was picked up by Exploding Sun Management Group who had been responsible for the George Foremen XC vs. XXync Mnxxc bout back in the late 3070's. That fight grossed over five trillion clams in ad revenue alone not to mention beer sales at the arena.

Promoters met with promoters and lawyers met with lawyers and the men and women of Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ waited in nervous anticipation of their big comeback. A date was set as were all bets and the majority of the cable subscribing universe laid their money down on Death Fungus II, which was no big surprise to anybody really.

Realizing, perhaps a little too late, that all conceivable odds were against them did little to settle the unsettled nerves of the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™. It did in fact give most of them ulcers of galactic proportions.

Oblivious to the feelings of the Fiend Hasslers, Inc. the advertisers mercilessly aired commercials featuring the not completely unattractive Death Fungus II, who took to endorsements like a Zxcyn takes to space sludge. The shameless self promotion of DF II on Universal Television may have lost him a lot of respect in the Hassling world, but it certainly did little to belittle the confidence most organisms had in him. One look at the young mushroom and the observer could tell he was ready to kick some booty.

On the day of the big fight it rained meteors all day in most parts of Galaxy 7, home of the biggest indoor arena in the Entire Universe, which contrary to its less than modest name, is not the biggest arena in the universe, indoor or outdoor. In fact, it doesn't even rank in the top ten, but that was the last thing on the peoples' minds the day of the big DF II fight.

The fight was to begin at 8:00 PM Eastern Standard, but by six o'clock the place was packed to full capacity. Beer was selling like hot cakes. Unfortunately the hot cakes weren't selling that well. In fact, they weren't selling at all due to the fact that they hadn't been re-invented yet

By the time the fight announcer grabbed the ring microphone, all spectators were pretty much drunk and belligerent and the outlook did not look good for crowd control. An oversight was made on behalf of the Arena Management Team and only two security guards were hired for the night, both of whom, like most organisms who had to work that night, called in sick. They had done so, like everyone else, to sneak off and watch the fight at the arena, not realizing that they could have watched the greatest fight in universal history, not only for free, but they would have gotten paid for it. Knowing this information leads one to believe that the place probably would not have been that secure in their hands anyway.

The rest is just conjecture and speculation but most people believe the whole fight was rigged from the get-go. Death Fungus II lasted approximately three minutes before he was brought to the canvas by one of the most obvious and unenthusiastic left hooks anybody had seen in awhile. Rumor has it that, unbeknownst to the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™, DF II had taken a tidy sum of three thousand tons of fresh dung (a mint for a mushroom of DF II's appetite) from Micky "The Martian" Battaglia's boss, Willy "The Sphincter" Turano, to take a dive right there in front of billions of viewers on Intergalactic TV and screw the advertisers.

God was of course pissed and is currently working on another sequel at the expense of Jupiter.