Reglar Wiglar Picking the easy targets since 1993 |
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PARODY INTERVIEWS
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LETTERS Every lettter ever sent to the Reglar Wiglar that was published, etc. Thank you. From RW #9 (1997) Christopher, Thanx a lot for issue #8 of the Reglar Wiglar. Your magazine is f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s! I truly appreciate you including my poochy 'toons in your magazine. It was very kind of you! Have a fun, enjoyable, and nice summer! PS I've enclosed more funnies. Sincerely, Luhey
Dear Luhey, No problem. Chris Auman, Editor * * * * * * * * * * * Wiglar, I rolled one on your zine tonight! Not a better zine to burn with! At least not out here in the fucking desert. I'm drunk on tequila. John Partin
John, Excellent! Chris Auman, Editor From RW #8 (1997) Muggsy McMurphy, The Krinkles would like to thank you for reviewing our 7" single. We just picked up issue #7 at Chicago Comics and were happy and enjoyed your comments! We especially liked the opening sentence, "Worst record cover that I've ever seen on a seven inch." Well, somebody understood what we were trying to achieve (we think). Just to keep you informed (and we love to talk about ourselves) we have a new full-length CD due out in February '97 (but who doesn't these days) called The Three Ringos. Thanks a bunch and hope to see you at a show. The Krinkles
Thanks for responding to my review of your record with kind words of gratitude and not vicious threats of revenge as I am more than used to by now. Your letter is in print so anyone should they chose, has been informed of your new release and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to make it to one of your shows, I've been kind of drunk lately--busy, I meant busy--I've been busy lately. Oh Jesus. Muggsy McMurphy * * * * * * * * * * * Reglar Wiglar, RW #7 has arrived with a very disappointing cover. What happened? Someone should be fired. Concerned Reader
Concerned Reader LJ Hudson, I would beg to differ with you on the cover. I thought it was absolutely brilliant, as did my underlings. You are no doubt referring to the absence on Max "Shudder" DeZutter's usual provocative photography. Perhaps you are a fan of his work with the medium. Perhaps you are even a disgruntled Mr. DeZutter in disguise. We don't know for sure, do we "Mr. LJ Hudson, Concerned Reader," if that is you real name and title. Chris Auman, Editor * * * * * * * * * * * Christopher, Thanx for includin' my 'toons in your zine. Your magazine is doggone spectacular! I've enclosed more funnies. Have a great Autumn!
Luhey Wow, a letter from a cartoon dog. Hey Luhey, thanks for noticing our zine is "spectacular", you would be surprised at how many people miss that fact entirely. And you know what? I did have a great Autumn, relatively speaking, it was great compared to summer which isn't saying much, but I appreciate the sentiment, etc. Christopher (Auman, Editor) * * * * * * * * * * * Chris, Hello. Your zine is well, how can I say it? Let's just say that the copyright is really stupid--if someone wanted to use your words as their own, then you should be flattered . . . and why don't you do any indie label reviews? And then the whole thing with advertisments--that's so fucked. You'd sell you opinions out for money--you're a whore. Hey DIY? What's that? Integrity? What's that? Let's just say that I hated your zine so much that I'm sending it back to you--I will pretend like I never got it. Shana
Oh, you didn't get it all right, but thanks for taking the time out of your busy study hall period to write me such a reactionary and juvenile letter. Now, if I could just get my hands on some indie label records to review. . . . ©Chris Auman * * * * * * * * * * * Reglar Wiglar, Could you send me a copy of your zine? I'm in prison out here in Kansas and really broke, so I'd appreciate it. Thanks. John Miner
From RW #6 (1995) Dear Wiglar, This is to notify you that your mention of Cats in the review of This Jesus Must Die (RW#5) cost a young man his job. When the fifth reference was discovered, I told the kid he had five more and then he was gone. What started out as funny had now turned annoying, even for him the concept creator. As he was cleaning out his office in Suite 514 he was pleading something about "one more reference, please!" His angle was that no none read the Wiglar so it shouldn't count. That's when I got pissed and explained to him that shit rags count too! So anyway, he swore he'd get me for this and babbled something about changing his name every six months and going into music journalism. I don't even know what his real name was, we just called him bitch. Give me a call if a suspicious contributor pops up. Rock Hard. Pete Vox
Hey Pete, Is this the same Peter Vox from OFFWhite Records that never returns my phone calls? Is this Pete "Check's in the Fucking Mail You Stinking Weasel!" Vox? Ahh, whatever. Thanks for the warning about "suspicious contributors". I regret to inform you that all of our contributors are suspicious. Hell, some of them even fax in their work from prison, but what are you gonna do? These people work cheap and they're paying back their debt to society at the same time. As for the reference to Cats? Come on now, that was simply an easy jab below the belt and a cheap shot. Muggsy wrote that review anyway and a rocket scientist that boy is not. You're just lucky I edited out the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat starring Donny Osmond references. I got a heart afterall. You're welcome. Chris Auman, Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Reglar Wiglar, An Urgent Message to Courtney Love. I don't have on-line or Internet or whatever that shit is called, but I need to get this message to Courtney Love somehow. Please print this letter: Please stop, please, please just go away, please. No more cover photos. No more interviews. I don't care about your perspective on the world. Nobody does, not anymore. Sometimes people have thoughts that they don't feel they have to share with the world and that's OK. No one deserves to know that much about you. Listen to your friend Michael's song "Everybody Hurts" Not just you. Thanks you. I feel so much better now. Debra Dell * * * * * * * * * * * Mr. Auman, I want to let you know right up front that I do not approve of your "magazine". All those four-letter words. Is that necessary? Absolutely not! There is no reason that you need to use such offensive language to communicate your ideas. You call yourself an editor, please start editing. Louise Krylowicz
Dear Ms. Krylowicz, You should see how much I edit our of this thing before it goes to press, it's fucking ridiculous. It really is Chris Auman, Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Reglar Wiglar, I have never read such an in-depth and extensive article about my favorite band of all time, The Woodrows. I was very impressed with your magazine. I was even more impressed with the talent, vision and integrity of that fine rock band. Keep up your high journalistic standards and there's no limit to what you can do. J. Kronenberg
Thanks J., we appreciate your words of support for what we do here at the Reglar Wiglar. Oh, I have just one question for you; have you ever kissed your own ass by mistake? Just curious. Chris Auman, Ed. Letters RW #5 (1995) Dear Reglar Wiglar, I remember when I first came to this town. I came by Greyhound. It was December, I think, or late November. I took the subway from the train station, not exactly sure where I was going or what I would find. I didn't know a soul in this town--not at the time. I got off the train at the Belmont stop by Sheffield. I remember walking somewhere and standing on the corner of an intersection. It was a cold and gray Midwestern Winter's day. I remember that icicles had formed on my goatee. The city's unforgiving wind met my body and ripped through my thin, secondhand jacket leaving me chilled to the soft vascular tissue that fill my very bones. I stood there at that intersection, staring at the dismal urban landscape. I was searching for something, anything, for solace perhaps, some comfort of any kind to soothe my weary, travel-ravaged form. It must have seemed odd to some passersby, me just standing there, motionless, contemplative, or maybe I just blended in with the rest of the city's eccentrics. Eventually, something caught me eye. It blew past me in the gutter below my feet. Beaten and worn, pages ripped and torn, it was a magazine, ravaged by the elements--I felt like that magazine! I stooped to pick up the mangled mass of paper and ink. Straightening and smoothing its pages, I put it in my pocket. This was some months ago and still, when I become confused or overwhelmed with my insecurities, I open up my worn and weary copy of the Reglar Wiglar and become lost in its pages. Todd Pennywhistle Pierce
Dear Todd, Geez, Todd . . . I don't know what to say . . . ahhh, thanks? Get help? Don't write again? Joey Germ * * * * * * * * * * * Wiglar, Thanks for rerunning that MotherScratcher interview. It didn't quite suck the first time around. MotherScratcher wouldn't know grunge if it bit them in the flannel. Have you ever heard of Sponge? Stone Temple Pilots? Candlebox? If you want to cover a grunge band, you're sniffin' around the wrong butts. My band Knob Gobbler (too cool, obviously, to be mentioned granted a Reglar Wiglar interview) makes MotherScratcher look like a Hasselhoff cover band. Clyde
Dude, Don't even get me started. Joey Germ * * * * * * * * * * * Hi, I'm fifteen years old and I live in the suburbs with my parents and I would like to use this space to share my opinions about what is and isn't "punk" and who is or isn't a "sellout". Ahem: Rancid is punk. Blue or green hair is punk unless worn on the head of members of Green Day who are not punk, but are sellouts. Offspring are punk because they rule and are on a punk label which is a multi-million dollar corporation which is not punk. (It can get confusing I know.) Offspring aren't sellouts even though they were on the cover of Spin, because they care more about the music than being on the cover of Spin. Courtney Love talks too much and is not punk and she is a sellout and so was her husband, whatshisname, who shot himself in the head (very punk). Veruca Salt is not punk and they did sellout and I don't like them but I like that one song, "Seether". Pearl Jam is not punk but I respect their "punk attitude". Fugazi is punk and aren't sellouts but they aren't as good as Offspring but they are still OK. Thank you I hope this clears things up. Jenny Kelp
Dear Jenny, Thank you for your cute little letter. We really appreciate the views and opinions of our young readers who don't know shit yet. Joey Germ
From RW #4 (1994) To the Editors of Reglar Wiglar, F.Y.I., Knob Gobbler has been signed. In reference to Joey Germ's borderline slanderous review of their demo (RW #3), let me just say that Knob Gobbler have been given the high hat and the high hard one by just about every music critic in town and not just your own pathetic little rag. You are not alone. There are other's who share your bad taste and to tell you the truth, it makes me want to gag and puke. YES, I know Knob Gobbler and YES they are friends of mine, BUT I have always considered myself to be an unbiased and open-minded person and I wish everyone were the same. Knob Gobbler rocks. So magazines like yours with writers who think they are so goddman high and mighty just because they get to see their little paltry pseudonyms in print once every five months can fuck the fuck off! Jeanne Davis * * * * * * * * * * * Wiglar, This is just a quick little note reminding you that the Reglar Wiglar is just another worthless piece of propaganda exploiting twenty-somethings. It's not like we don't already have enough bandwagon fanzines out there sucking up to kids, trying to get them to buy their records, their clothes, their alcohol, their . . . whatever. You sold out your own age bracket, man. All to make a couple bucks. Buzz Kilpatrick PS Yeah, I look like that guy on the front cover of your last issue. So what? So do most of my friends.
* * * * * * * * * * * Hey Sick & Twisted Creatures of the Literary Netherworld, I thank you for your reproduction of the works of the late, great Charles F. Buchanan, the man was by far the most gifted, prolific and tragic writer of our time. We need to see more literary supplements published. It really gives substance to otherwise meaningless piece of shit publications. Natalie Carver * * * * * * * * * * * Reglar Wiglar, I know you guys aren't Abbey Landers or anything, but maybe you could settle an argument between a couple of co-workers and myself. There are some that think that The Reglar Wiglar is the worst music fanzine out there, but I think Spew sucks a little more. You gotta help me out here if you could, 'cause I really don't want to buy these fuckers lunch. That's the bet and they look like they can eat a lot. Joe Brown
Dear Joe, You're right, I'm not Dear Abby of Ann Landers, Cecil Adams or even Ted Nugent's old lady, but I did a little research and have come to the conclusion that although it's a close one to call Spew, does indeed suck a little more than does our fair fanzine. I hope that wins you the lunch bet and I hope you and your buddies keep those brains turned on and keep those good questions coming. Asshole. Christopher P. Auman, Editor & Publisher From RW #3 (1994) Dear Reglar Wiglar, Motherfuckers, I was at that Insynuator show in Elgin and it totally blew. Little Muggsy Ass-Kiss McMurphy loved it, of course. He isn't at all biased towards East Coast bands. Nooo, not Boot Lick McMurphy. If it's from Jersey, it's gold, except for the one band that actually matters, the best band from Jersey or any of the other fifty-two states, Sin Nation Sinsation. Of course little Star Boy doesn't like this band. Why does your magazine constantly slag Sin Nation and Stone Temple Pilots? Why is Muggsy "I Hang Out With Rock Starts and Ask Them Really Stupid Questions Therefore I Am Cool" McMurphy such a prick? Answer please. Shawn Teflin
Hey Man, you are out of line! Muggsy has feelings just like you and me--well, feelings similar to you and me, and he deserves a little more respect.--Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Mr. Germ, Yo man, was that you who was so drunk at the Smart Bar on May 13th that you embarrassingly hit on my girlfriend, puked all over your shirt, burned yourself with a lit cigarette, passed out on the dance floor and wet your pants? 'Cause it sure looked like your stupid ass. Carl Malloy
Yes, Mr. Malloy, 'twas I--Joey Germ * * * * * * * * * * * Reg Wig., I got your latest Reglar Wiglar. It is a very fine issue with one minor problem. Overtime I hear my band (Schwah RW#2) compared to either Smashing Pumpkins or Pearl Jam, I lapse into fits of suicidal depression. That single sucks anyhow. Well, better luck next time. Enclosed are our nifty new Mono Cat 7 buttons. Wear them with pride. I must be going. Arevadercheeeeee. Tim Davison
Mr. Davison, Please read your review a little more carefully. I simply stated the fact that you have been compared to Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam. I personally did not make that erroneous comparison. I wouldn't do that to anybody, unless of course it was true. Muggsy McMurphy * * * * * * * * * * * To the Publishers, I noticed that B.S. Brown was listed as being a contributing writer for issue number two, yet I could find no by-line anywhere. I hope all is well with Mr. Brown. Did he get shit-canned or something? I would hate to think what he might do had he any more free time on his hands. Joseph Davenport
Mr. Davenport, Thank you for your concern about staff writer , Mr./Mrs./Miz Brown. Recent cuts in our budget have rendered Brown's job obsolete. We regretted having to shit can him/her as you suggested but his/her unwillingness to work for free left him/her no recourse but to be fired. Besides, we really didn't care too much for the crap that Mr. Brown tried to pass off as music journalism. Sincerely, * * * * * * * * * * * Hey, I've read the last couple issues of your zine and it's really cool! So I've finally gotten around to sending you the latest issue of my zine--#2 of Steve Albini Thinks We Suck! Number three should be out some time next month. If all goes according to plan, which it probably won't. Anyway, here's my zine, I hope you like it. Can't wait to see the next Reglar Wiglar. Mo Ryan
Thanks Mo, We always like gettin' free shtuff in the mail and we also enjoyed havin' a little chuckle at the expense of the Great One, Steve Albini. Chris Auman, Ed. From RW #2 (1994) To the Editors, I received your first issue of Regler Wiggler in the mail yesterday. I found your humor to be tasteless, the film and record reviews uninformative and juvenile and the artwork reminiscent of a third grade talent contest. When you chose to adopt a higher standard of production values, I would be interested in seeing that. Until then, please do not waste my time any further with your inane attempt at a magazine. Name and address withheld Thanks Mom-Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Sirs, I am a twenty-four year old college graduate with a degree in English. Currently I am working in a coffeehouse, but or course, I don't expect to be doing this all my life. I am very interested in writing for a small magazine that is just starting out. Enclosed are some writing samples--you will find them to be of a satirical bent. Basically, I am sick of all this Generation X crap that's being forced down my throat by the media and I have a lot of time on my hands to complain about it. Would you be interested? Jason Whittaker No--Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Dudes, Thanks for that MotherScratcher article. We need more magazines like your and more interviews with bands like The Woodrows and MotherScratcher. The world needs to know that there's more to alternative muzak than Pearl Scam and Stoned Pimple Toilets. Rock on!. Christopher Gersy
Sure--Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Hey, Your mag. for the most part, sucks, but I did appreciate the MotherScratcher piece. Joey Germ rocks, as for P.C. Jones, please give him his walking papers... now! The dude was way the fuck off base with his review of PPM's (Proactive Piece Machine) debut fucking masterpiece, Sickle Cell Theory. I don't think what he needs is an umbrella to protect himself from a "downpour of bad bands," as he suggests in the review, what he needs is an athletic cup to protect himself from band that rock balls. Everybody should have this record. These guys are the next Stone Temple Pilots whether Pecker Checker Jones believes it or not. Fuck you asshole! Hans Geiderman
Sorry Kraut, I should have been more considerate to those among us who are mentally and physically challenged, 'cause you are obviously, terminally unhip. You should stop buying generic and get into some brand name shit, but then that would mean you would have to open your mind. Don't open your mind, Heir Geiderman, if might escape--P.C. Jones. * * * * * * * * * * * Sirs, I am currently attending Northwestern University where I am completing my dissertation: "A Jungian Analysis of T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland." I have also written a small book of poetry published by an independent press in San Francisco). Enclosed are some samples including my works, "Why do The Windows Mock Me?" and "Reflections". In my spare time (what little of it there is) I enjoy relaxing I coffee houses engaging in discussions of relevant topics. Perhaps we could meet at one (I prefer Cafe Voltaire, a nonsmoking atmosphere) and discuss how I could contribute to your magazine. I would appreciate a prompt response. Sincerely, Bradley S. Rubinowski
Did you try contacting Strong Coffee?--Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Young Man, Our records indicate a severe delinquency on your financial account. Please let me remind you that the funds we provided for your education were loans, not gifts. You are responsible for the full amount, due monthly for the next thirty-five years in low payments of $365.26 each. Failure to repay these loans may result in default, placing your credit rating in jeopardy, and may escalate in severe personal risk commencing with the loss of the digits of your left hand starting with your pinky and working our way to your thumb, on to the next hand, down to your toes, then we cut your hamstrings so you'll never walk again, and then I will personally carve a little frowny face on your forehead so everyone will know you are a deadbeat and a loser. Although I relish the opportunity to mutilate your pathetic skinny frame, this little problem may be avoided by enclosing the check for the full amount of your delinquency. Walter E. Siedelmeyer
Geez, Dad. Lighten up, ok?--Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Dear People Who Obviously Worship Dinosaur Bands That Suck and Have Been Sucking for Quite Some Time Now, MotherScratcher, The Woodrows... what? It's 1994, guys, what the fuck? Leslie Robinson
Aaah, so what?--Ed. * * * * * * * * * * * Greetings and Salutations, Reglar Wiglar, I applaud your first issue. Hooray for Jayne Wayne and her review of Annie Baldwell's latest effort, To Thine Ownself. Artists like Baldwell are deserving of the praise and creative/constructive criticism given to them by writers such as Ms Wayne, who might I add, has been gifted with a poetic ear for the language (does she write poetry? If not, she should). Mr. Brown's reviews, I found highly informative on the cinematic front as well, he is an insightful columnist. There are a some things about Reglar Wiglar that I personally would like to see changed (and I am sure I'm not along). I find your contributing writers, Muggsy McMurphy and P.C. Jones to be crude, vulgar, and fairly unintelligent. Joey Germ's artwork is laughably amateurish and sloppy and Lollipop should probably be in prison. Get rid of some of the dead weight and who knows where yo could take Reglar Wiglar? Let's just hope the publishers take note and make the obvious and necessary changes. Susan Clemantine
Duly noted, ma'am. Thank you for your insightful comments--C. Auman, T. Ziegler, Publishers * * * * * * * * * * * To Whom it May Concern, I am a wealthy young socialite who is bored, bored, bored. I am interested in nurturing young new talent, and am willing to invest a small up-and-coming music magazine. The budget has been estimated at $50,000 per issue with fringe benefits including corporate expense account (negotiable), a semi filled with beer and cigarettes, an open account at Taco Burrito Palace #2 and a 1974 GTO nitro-burning funny car. Unfortunately, I am looking for untouched talent, and as you have already produced an issue, you are not qualified, I apologize but am requesting information on anyone else you may know. Your help would be appreciated. Thank you. Victoria J. Winthrop
Buh, buh, buh, buh--Ed. |
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