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RW: So you guys killed Alternative Music, huh?

John: Yep. We were collectively the straw that broke the camel's back.

Adam: We were the last drop in the bucket. The market was so over-saturated with really bad—not just mediocre, mind you–but bad, bad music and when our CD finally came out—we got signed in '93—the bucket just overflowed.

Anthony: It fucking burst!

Adam: It burst and we spilled out with countless others—you can't even call them One Hit Wonders 'cause they never even charted. The alt. rock band death toll is too high to even be counted . . . and it's growing.

John: The whole thing is a mess and it's going to be awhile before the industry people can pick up the pieces.

Scotty: It's funny, our label called us and they we're like, "John, we got bad news for you." And I was like, "This isn't John, it's Scotty." And so dude was like, "Scotty, we've got bad news for you, your record just killed the Alternative Market. It just wiped it off the fucking map." At first I was pumped like, "Right on, man, our record killed 'em." Then I was thinking, "Wait a minute, did dude just say that was bad news?" So I was like, "What's up with that?" and dude was like, "John, you literally busted the market. It's dead. Gone. No more. You're unemployed now and so am I.

RW: That sucks.

Scotty: Yeah, our label guy was fresh out of college, you know, first job with a major record label, first task was signing us and now, boom, he's done, we're done. It's all over.

John: It totally sucks. We tried to push our label into getting the record out two years ago. We don't want the death of Alternative Rock on our hands.

RW: Who would? So what are your plans now?

John: Well, the way we see it, we have several options. The ska route, the doors of which have been thrown wide open by No Doubt.

Adam: No Doubt are to ska what Nirvana was to grunge.

John: Yeah, we just don't want to be to ska what Nerd Pipe was to grunge.

Adam: Yeah, we're gonna have to be careful. Real, real careful this time.

Anthony: To do the ska thing though, we're gonna have to recruit seven or eight other guys or just one cute chick with awesome abs.

John: Yeah, doin' the ska thing, we would definitely have to get rid of Anthony all together.

Anthony: Hey!

John: Sorry bro, it's a fact

Adam: He's right, dude.

John: With a horn section, we'd have to get a bigger tour bus.

RW: How big is your tour bus now?

John: Well, we don't actually have a tour bus now, 'cause we never got a chance to tour in support of our record on account of the fact of the record killing the market and all.

RW: Bummer.

John: Total bummer, man.

RW: You could go the techno route, maybe.

John: Hard dance!

RW: Excuse me?

Adam: He means we could go the "hard dance" route. We could never go techno.

RW: What's the difference?

Adam: There's no difference musically, we just don't want anybody to think we're fags.

RW: Clarify that for me.

Adam: Fags in the musical sense, not in the area of sexual orientation, you understand.

Scotty: Right, fags in the musical sense, like creating techno music which has no balls. In that sense.

John: Techno is a ball-less musical art form.

RW: But hard dance implies something with balls?

John: Exactly. Hard dance implies a very aggressive, balls-out type of music, regardless of the electronic or technological aspect of the music. Like Prodigy. Those guys rock balls.

Adam: It's a tough decision and we haven't really decided what avenue to take yet. We really don't have anyone to bankroll the project yet either.

John: Our record contract was only good for one full-length CD release and a video which we actually have to pay the record company back for, so we have to decide quick whether it's gonna be ska or hard dance.

Adam: Yeah, the wolves are at the door.

RW: What about a marriage of ska with the techno—excuse me—hard dance genres? Break some new ground. Explore some, as of yet, uncharted territory.

Adam: Well, the problem with exploring uncharted territory is you have no way of judging whether something is going to fail or not. It's a big, big risk.

John: A huge risk.

Adam: And it's not financially sound.

RW: It couldn't possibly sell any less records for you than what you've sold up to this point with the alternative/grunge thing.

John: True.

Adam: Still though, it's really scary. We would prefer to stick with a formula that works, something time-tested and true. Metal is not entirely out of the question.

John: Metal is a definite possibility. I see bands like Skid Row, Bon Jovi, even Poison, totally poised for a comeback.

Scotty: Just like back in the glory days of our youth. 1988 all over again, man. Wow. When Def Leppard were king.

Adam: That's enough, Scotty, please.

RW: I can totally see you guys farming some serious hair and laying down some really generic, commercial metal.

John: Thanks man. We appreciate it, but we're just considering it at this point. We haven't made a decision yet.

RW: Well, whatever you guys decide to do, I'm sure it will be brilliant, yet misunderstood.

Scotty: Thanks, but we've already gone that route and it didn't really pan out for us.

John: Yeah, it got panned.

 

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ALTERNATIVE ROCK DEAD

JAYNE WAYNE, Reglar Wiglar Staff Writer

CLEVELAND—A nation of young, hip and disillusioned rock music fans grieved openly today upon hearing the news of the tragic death of Alternative Music. Thousands of Generation Xers and hip Baby Boomers struggled to come to grips with the loss of their chart-topping friend. At 12:01PM, Tuesday, August 26, Alternative Rock Music died due to complications from massive hemorrhaging leaving the nation that gave birth to rock and roll, numb and confused.

The direct cause of death of Alternative Music, or Adult Contemporary as it was known to some, has been attributed to over-saturation of the market, and has been linked more specifically to one particular Alternative band and the release of their debut album.

At 12:01PM, August, 26th, the Cleveland based Alternative Rock group, Nerd Pipe, released their major label debut, ironically titled Whatever. The Alternative Market reacted violently to the album's release and its immune system immediately rejected it. Nerd Pipe and their record was the last drop in an already full bucket resulting in the death of the genre. "The strain was too great," said one record company executive who wished to remain anonymous to Wiglar reporters. "We knew it was only a matter of time before it blew up, but we figured we could try to break on or two more new artists before it all came crashing down on top of us." That was not the case.

The Alternative genre was born in 1991 with the release of Nevermind, an album by Seattle Grunge Rock outfit Nirvana. This one record with its grungy guitars, sandpaper vocals and disenfranchised lead singer, screaming lyrics laden with angst and alienation in a society becoming more and more isolated as we reach the end of the millennium, struck a power chord with the dissatisfied Generation X demographic, resulting in phenomenal album sales and seemingly overnight success for the band. Subsequently, Alternative Rock Music flourished. The Alternative or Adult Contemporary Market, lived a full and fruitful life, dominating the Billboard music charts for much of its six year history. Car, clothes and credit card companies were all able to cash in on the alternative craze by using this newly invented youth culture to appeal to the fierce individuality of the tattooed and pierced masses that patronized them in their uniform of combat boots, goatees and interesting hair cuts.

FANS PAY TRIBUTE TO DECEASED GENRE

B.S. BROWN, Special to the Reglar Wiglar

TINLEY PARK—Thousands of fans draped in flannel gathered today at the New World Music Theater in Tinley Park, Illinois, site of a 1992 Blind Melon concert, to mourn the death of an old friend. The grieving fans paraded past the sight where Dexter Holland of the punk rock/alternative crossover band The Offspring once publicly urinated, throwing their multiple ear and nose rings into a great pile in homage to the once great unit shifter. The jewelry pile will be melted down and molded into one gigantic nose ring for the Teddy Roosevelt bust on Mount Rushmore as a lasting tribute to the Alternative Rock Era.

There were mixed feelings among the throngs of sobbing mourners. Twenty-six year old, Tony Lincoln, who drove in from Grand Rapids, Michigan to pay respects, remembered the positive things about alternative music. "Just think of all the good things that came out of Alt. Rock," Lincoln said through hopeful tears. "Stone Temple Pilots, Sponge, Silverchair... we have the Verve Pipe now and nobody can ever take that away from us... ever."

Some fans were not so optimistic, "It's not fair," complained seventeen year old Shawna Stadden of Schaumburg, Illinois. "I never got to see a Lollapalooza."

Some young people were not afraid to look to the future. Confused, yet hopeful, Brian Parker of South Bend, Indiana saw promise in the road that lies ahead, "I've heard ska is cool," Brian told this magazine. Yes, Brian, ska is very cool.

What lies ahead for corporate music is unclear. With techno and dance trends, electronica and ska, and everything retro still up for grabs, one thing remains certain, there are many markets to be exploited, but no matter what the future brings for the millions who made alternative music the power market that it was, we will never forget the one band that started it all, the name of which escapes me right now.