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Greetings fellow movie buffs and cinematic connoisseurs. I am grateful for this opportunity to share with you my humble opinions of some of the latest theater releases. Remember, three years of film school doesn't make me an expert, it just makes me more qualified than you--B.S. Brown

I Will Kill You Many Times
Directed by Charles Chinook; Screenplay by Randomword Choyce; Produced by Mickey Battaglia. An I Will Kill You Productions release. Running time: 80 minutes. Rating: R; language, sexual situations, decapitations.

The Cast

Jennie McFarlan....................................Jeannie McDugan
Frankie..............................................................Frankie
Bobby Baker..................................................Ryan Judd
Joey Baker..................................................Peter Thane
Brenda Sue..............................................Peggy Jackson

If you only see one movie this summer, please, take my advice and avoid I Will Kill You Many Times. It's long, it's gaudy, it's overdone, tasteless, poorly directed, poorly acted and very overrated.

It wasn't surprised to be disappointed in this film. I was surprised to be disappointed in the actors (the director, Charles Chinook, is consistently disappointing so this came as no surprise). Jeanie McDugan, who plays the role of Jeanie McFarlan, has always been a fine actress. I have been following her career since it began five years ago with her first role in I Will Kill You. However, in this particular film (tenth in the series) her character came off as weak and tired. The name she carved out for herself in the Hollywood horror industry as the quintessential "helpless and submissive female" has been shamed by her current work in I Will Kill You Many Times. I used to think that Jeannie was the best screamer in the business. In her second feature role (I Will Kill You Many Twice), she screamed and shrieked so beautifully, it sent shivers down my spine. Her performance in this flop was truly embarrassing. When Frankie, the demented and mutated mass murderer, stabbed Jeannie in the eye with the fondue fork, she gave such a half hearted, luke warm yelp of pain that the immortal Freddy Krueger would have laughed his face off.

Frankie (who play himself) was equally disappointing. No one but Jason could wield an axe like Frankie could back in the day, yet in this movie I almost got the impression that he didn't even want to kill those school children. He even looked remorseful at having decapitated that elderly woman. I fear that our blood thirsty amigo may be getting a little soft.

I once felt that Jeannie McDugan and Frankie were the best acting duo in cinematic horror. These two thespians had the power to create big screen magic that both appalled and involved their audience. They were truly, and I say this without pretension, the Bogey and Bacall of low budget horror films.

As for the directing, jeeeeesh! I'm sure Charles Chinook was stewed to the gills for the majority of the filming. I went to undergrad school with Charles back East in the late 70s and believe me the only talent that man has is for sucking down whiskey sours until last call.

More bothered me about this movie that just the bad acting and directing. I got the feeling from this movie that it was rushed through, that they were on a tight budget and that the money just ran out. I got the impression that the producers only goal with this film was to compete in the sequels war and focus more on producing high qaulity horror movies that provide educational as well as cultural and philosophical ideals, and not just another splatter flick. Remember this is just one crusty old movie critics opinion (if you can call thirty-five old) but I think that filmakers today, more than ever, have not just a cinematic responsibility to their audiences, but a social responsibility as well. Horror films are excellent vehicles for promoting the kind of "Say NO to Drugs and Sex" values that we want to inflict upon our children (even though they never worked for our generation). Maybe I am getting old, but I don't appreciate the gratuitous sex scenes in this latest I Will Kill You film. I have a two year old and a three year old and I have to admit watching that rape scene with my kids in the theater was a little embarrassing. I think three or four scenes of full frontal nudity and kinky sexual situations is more than adequate for an eighty minute film. Anything more detracts form the plot and send the wrong message to our children. And the references to drugs? They have no place in 90s cinema. Cheech and Chong went up in smoke years ago. Sure, it's funny when Freddy asks Bobby Baker (Ryan Judd) if he wants to get "stoned" right before he drops a two ton rock on his head, but is this what we are trying to teach our children? Drugs are funny? Just drop the rock, Frankie, and save the snappy one liners for Andrew Dice Clay.

Hopefully, the next I Will Kill You film tentatively titled: I Will Kill You Many, Many Times will regain the integrity and pride lost in this film, but as Frankie once advised one of his drowning murder victims, "Don't hold your breath."

The Adventures of Jim Bob & Pencilneck

Directed by Maggie Zeen; Screenplay by Jeremiah T. Johnson; Produced by Ricky Douglas and James Farrel. A Cheesetown Pictures release. Rated PG-17: absurd situations and silly language

The Cast

Jim Bob.................................................Corey McBain
Pencilneck...............................................Josh Roberts
Keemo....................................................Vince Tucker
Truck Stop Hooker..................................Avon LaShalle

The Adentures of Jim Bob and Pencilneck, to be quite frank, is a piece of shitt, as far as a movie goes. Maybe as a propaganda film for the culturally retarded it is a masterpiece, but I don't think so. I think the writing is what doomed this project from the beginning. I don't think a more pretentious movie could have been made in a Wicker Park coffee shop. Lines such as "Gee, Jim Bob, you wanna go drinkin' down Millerfog's Road?" peppered this nasty film about two shiftless rednecks who take to the road in search of fame and fortune as professional criminals.

The film was directed by Maggie Zeen, who as her past directing record will indicate is capable of producing high quality work (Love Nest, When Bob Met Lenny), but with this film she dalls a little shy of quality and originality...about a hundred yards or so.

What I thought was suppossed to be a movie depicting the emotional relationship between two young men on the highway of life, struggling with their inner selves and finding the best in the human spirit turned out to be a complete farce. The movie was actually laughable. I felt sorry for screenwriter, Jeremiah T. Johnson, I wasn't the only one laughing either, the whole theater was crying they were laughing so hard.

Granted, Jeremiah T. (let's not forget the T for Terrible) Johnson does have somewhat of an ear for the redneck dialect, but that's probably because he is one which is hardly an excuse. If the writing/directing team of Maggie Zeen and Johnson is not terminated immediately, I don't think that either one of them will be able to salvage their careers, especially after this nasty little film. The Adentures of Jim Bob and Pencilneck left such a bad taste in my mouth, a fifth of Wild Turkey couldn't rid me of its bitter remnants.

Come to think of it, most of the movies I've seen lately really sucked donkey. I don't think there is a good qaulity director out there these days that can do justice to the trash the writers are churning out. What is wrong with film schools these days? I think I dropped out a year too early to save the world from this barrage of garbage. My apologies to an embittered cinematic nation.

A Film Prospectus by P.C. Jones

People--friends and relatives mostly--say to me, "So Big Shot Film School Guy, when's your new movie comin' out (chuckle, chuckle)" or "Hey, Hot Shit Director, who's gonna be in your new movie, huh? Sharon Stone gonna be in your new movie, huh Big Shot?" or the always funny quip: "Hey Scorsese, how's Hollywood treatin' yah there, Ace," All this seems to be very amusing to people within earshot, but I'll tell you what I told them, filmmaking is a craft that takes time to master and Hollywood is a tough nut to crack. I gotta couple of pitches I need to make to a couple of Financiers and Big Money Guys I met while networking on the Internet, but I think I got a real gem of a storyline with Killed by Death. The script is (almost) written. Anyway, the synapsis goes like this... by the way, I copyrighted the idea so don't get any ideas of your own about swipin' it from me...

Killed by Death Synapsis

The bad guys in Killed by Death are either gonna be Russian or German--I'm confused as to who exactly the enemies are these days. I know they can't be Asian anymore, or Middle Eastern. They're white European men at any rate: pony tails, glasses, accents, highly intelligent, almost hip. They're ruthless, ruthless killers spurned by greed, who will stop at nothing to steal large amounts of money, or in the Information Age: Information. They are willing to blow up buildings, put little children in perilous danger and helpless women at risk all for their unAmerican cause. They have no respect for American culture or the flag or any of that shit really.

The hero, or anti-hero, is this big muscular, sweaty guy, who'se got problems: he's a manic depressive, suicidal alcoholic ex-cop type whose wife was killed by a group of white European men with pony tails, glasses and accents, etc. At any rate, this guy--they call him Decker--anyway, he's out of control, on the edge, has absolutely nothing to lose. Basically, he doesn't give two shits whether he lives or dies but he is an American and they can kill your wife, take your badge, drive you to drink straight whisky with no chaser and chain smoke Pall Malls sans the filter, but nothing, and I mean nothing or nobody is gonna strip this man of his core beliefs in honor and duty to country.

Decker's--or maybe he'll be called Booker--uniquely Amercian sense of rugged individualsim, his sense of truth, justice and totally fuckin' up those who would seek to Tread on Us Motherfucker, drive him to overcome ungodly amounts of pain in order to waste dozens of foreigners.

This guy can endure pain though. He gets shot, stabbed, beaten, electrocuted, flogged, pummeled, he falls large distances, he's cut, he's bruised, but you can't stop him: this guy is unstoppable. Sometimes the bad guys think they may have stopped him, but naaah, they haven't. He's back. He's back because there are so many people to kill in so many different grotesquely violent, yet slightly humourous ways.

Love interest? There's really no time for that. Too much bloodshed to get through in 85 minutes of film. In order to abort the plans of the German/Russians, things need to get blown up; cars, buses and trucks need to fly thought the air and crash into each other as stunned onlookers look on in mouth-gaping horror. Revenge needs to be exacted on the principle bad guy: the calcualting and heartless bastard who epitomizes all thing not quite right to Our Way of Thinking. (There's a slightly conservative theme underlyng this film, but let's face it, these people pay to see these kinds of films--they love 'em!)

That's the basic idea of the film. I'm thinking Sandra Bullock should be in it in some capacity. I'm thinking we get George Clooney on a high carb diet and get him lifting weighhts so he can play Decker. Maybe Will Smith can be cast as his African-American side-kick. Everybody loves a black/white buddy picture.

To finance this project all we need is a couple of big shots of Pepsi billboards in the background during some key scenes. Maybe we can have a cop eating a Big Mac while he's congratulating Booker/Decker on his resuce of a Domino's Pizza Driver. I don't know. Maybe Booker/Decker pops Skittles like Elvis popped pain killers (we can even draw a paralel). Or maybe the enemies in this picture are aliens, that paranormal extraterrestrial shit is hot right now. There ain't nothin' more unAmerican than some stinky green fucker from another planet who needs his scaley ass kicked pronto. Either way, the way I see it, we can't miss with this one.