MUSIC REVIEWS:

RW#9-7

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How do you like your reviews, huh? You like 'em rough, huh? You like em rough?

ACE FREHLEY
12 Picks (Megaforce)

Dear Megaforce Records,

I have both used and enjoyed the two free autographed Ace Frehley guitar picks that accompanied Ace Frehley's recent compilation of "standout" cuts", 12 Picks. I think we we both know why we can't refer to this new release as a "greatest hits" album, even though, as you suggested in your letter to my zine, "Few musicians throughout rock history can lay claim to the level of influence that Ace has had on American guitar players." How true and yet how sad that the record buying public remains so ignorant as to Mr. Frehley's genius. It would seem that every used record store in the Chicagoland area is well stocked with this record as I could find none that would buy my copy off me. That's something to be proud of, huh? Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the Frehley.

Better days, better lays.

–Malcolm Tent

AUNTIE CHRIST
Life Could be a Dream (Lookout!)
A little treat for X fans. Exene Cervenkova, as she is now known (Cervenka is so '80s) is back with ex-X drummer DJ Bonebrake ad Matt Freeman (Rancid?) on bass. Auntie Christ provide more than just your standard run of the mill punk rock music (Reagan ain't in the White House anymore kids and you were eatin; Capn' Crunch and watchin' the Smurfs when he was). Fast and furious, yet reflective, awwwww. This new incarnation has got its own distinct sound and characteristics; it's disparate, get used to it–Joey "Unbelievably Clever" Germ

BLACK FORK
Rock for Loot (Lookout!)
Punk Rock from the A Team of Punk Rock. Black Fork stick their fork into big meaty chunks of power chords and shove it in your mouth with a snotty urgency that is sure to satisfy you palate--Joey "Clip That One Out for Your Press Kit" Germ

THE BOY WONDER JINX
Left Hand Smoke Shifter (slingshot/lfm)
True to their nature lfm have released another lo-fi record by lo-fi band, Boy Wonder Jinx. Which by lo-fi standards is relatively lo-fi, There's a certain atmospheric, moody, quality to this record. It put me in a bad mood. Just kidding. Sorry I can't say more. I sent this out to be professionally reviewed but I wasn't satisfied with the results (I'm switching companies)–PC Jones

CROVETCH
Crovetch (Rubato)
This here cassette is a preview to the debut, Epistle to El Paso. Got that? I know what you're thinking, (seriously, I do, it's a gift I've had since I was a child): "Get on with the friggin' review already." Fair enough. Crovetch got kind of a spastic intensity to 'em a la the late Brainiac, who it should be noted were from Dayton as well, and Brainiac, it should also be said, will be greatly missed, as will singer Timmy Taylor, if your are a Brainiac fan you should know the story on that, it won't be retold here. Crovetch has got a sound that's sparse and primal, urgently chaotic, yet tight. You know what I mean when I say shit like that? Good. It should also be noted that Crovetch have relocated to Chicago (What? We need more Ohioans in Illinois? Christ!) and this ends our transmission in regards to Crovetch. Sweet dreams–RX2000

THE DRUGS
The Drugs (Ng)
The Drugs are kind of a more introspective, arty and intelligent Stone Temple Pilots. You get where I'm comin' from on this? You know where I'm going to? (In comedy, we call this the "hook"--write that down, students). Seriously though, stay away from this record. Speaking of STP however, I heard that Weiland's got a solo project in the works. I can't fuckin' wait. It's gonna be the biggest thing to happen to my life since Baywatch Nights. All right, so maybe the Drugs don't deserve to be lambasted as badly as I just inadvertently lambasted them, but I would rather go to the fridge and get a big slice of pizza than rewrite their review, so thatsa what I'ma gonna do–Muggsly "Feel Like a Slice Right About Now" McMurphy

THE GREAT BRAIN
Algorithm (Throwrug)
A record that kind of spans the last three or four years of indie rock. A lot of different influences here, Chapel Hill mostly; Polvo, Archers of Loaf. There's some tense musical vibe at work and some hard, serious playing. I've never seen the Great Brain live but I bet there are a lot of furrowed brows on the stage when their "on"–Muggsy McMurphy

JAYUYA
Jayuya (Cosmic)
"Psycho Salsa from Hell" is what they say about Jayuya and I can't really add to that. Sometimes it sounds like HR from the Bad Brains singing in Spanish to a frenzied and thoroughly fucked up salsa beat, other times it waxes a little more traditional, always moving though. It's Puerto Rico with a bit of Boston and Cleveland mixed in there with just a touch of Venezuela. Listen to this only if you're tired of the same old thing–PC Jones

JIMMY EAT WORLD
Static Prevails (Capitol)
You would assume that an "alternative" band on the Capitol label would be really good--PC Jones

THE KRINKLES
The Three Ringos (Mordorlorf)
Looks kids, the fun lovin' Krinkles are back! Kids? It's the Krinkles, kids! The Krinkles... their new CD, The Three Ringos, comes with a free crayon...kids? Ahh, fuck you then. Damn kids, don't know nuthin'–PC Jones

LOWERCASE
Kill The Lights (AmRep)
lowercase, as in not capitalized. Oh, how I would love to launch into some half-assed metaphor about how the concept of lowercase relates to the music of this band, but that would be too, too easy and I must work for the crumbs I'm thrown. Such is the lot I've been cast in this miserable, miserable life. lowercase (do you know how much self control it takes for me to not capitalize the 'l' in lowercase when it's being used as a proper noun? DO YOU?) makes me melancholy (sigh) with their sad music. I think I shall keep this record for mine own collection and listen to it's sad sounds, forlornly–T. Bone

MAO TSE HELEN
Maize (Shameless)
You know a Reglar Wiglar record review carries so much weight in the industry that all I have to do is print the name of a band in this mag-a-zine and it becomes instantly hip. Isn't that crazy? Likewise, if I should frown upon an artist, then said artist must wear their review like a scarlet letter so that everyone may see that they have not measured up to the high Reglar Wiglar editorial standards. In my own little world that makes me pretty special, just thought I'd share. In regards to this Mao Tse Helen record, there's some sick minds at work here. Some quite possibly dangerous minds that the FBI and perhaps the CIA should be made aware of. In fact, I'm placing a call right now to the authorities. They'll know what to do with this Mao Tse Helen and their Maise record–PC Jones

MINIM
4-song demo (no label)
Kind of agitated, angular (I learned that descriptive word from reading a real record review) perhaps angry music. I would say its minimal but that's what you all want me to say and I'm not going to say what you want me to say–Jayne Wayne

MOTLEY CRUE
Generation Swine (Electra)
They've done it again–Mike Dixon

ONE HIT WONDER
Outfall (Nitro)
As a "rock journalist," I am fully conscious of the irony of a band named One Hit Wonder. Yes, the irony is not, I repeat, is not lost on me. The ironic implications of a band with the band moniker being One Hit Wonder has hit me squarely on the noggin. The prepackaged cynicism, the unremarkable, yet marketable defeatist, "we couldn't give a toss" attitude... I got it.

Now that that's off my scrawny, wheezy, anyone could kick my ass chest let me further ingratiate myself to this band. One Hit Wonder is a punk rock band with a very 90s message; Punk Rock is for everybody, young and old, Democrat, Republican. Let's all enjoy punk rock together! Let's examine the lyrics for the song titled "Corporate Rock Rules"( surprisingly, there's not as much sarcasm in the song as you might be led to believe from the title). The basic message is the standard "think for yourself" credo only bent to fit this band's situation, telling kids it's OK to buy music on a major label (and it is) preferably One Hit Wonder's album. I don't know, its' just an interesting little late-90s twist on things. The whole sellout, don't sellout bullshit bores my ass to tears anyway and I don't like to think for myself nearly as much as I like to think of myself. I think that this would be a good place for an opposing view to "Corporate Rock Rules" and that opposing view comes in the form of a simple and elegant haiku sent to the Reglar Wiglar by one Chris Wade of Richmond, VA

corporate rock

stinky, smelly shit
very, very smelly shit
corporate rock

chriswade

You make the call kids--Joey Germ

OVAL TEEN
Falling in Love All Over Again Once More for the Very First Time 7" EP (MOC)
Beginner Midwestern Pop Rock band with songs about falling in love with foreign exchange students and other such songs about falling in love. You're just one stomp on a distortion pedal away from being Pop Punk and that's what's sellin' these days, so go ahead and stomp on that Rat Box, boys. Just kiddin', don't do that, please–Joey Germ

REVERSING HOUR
The Diva's Whiskey (Readymade)
Not typically the Germster's cup of tea, but being the open-minded, sensitive man of the 90s that I am (goddamnit) I listened to this CD for all of three seconds before I--Whoa! Hold on! Take a deep breath. Whew, I almost let the Old Joe Germ get the better of me. I'll be honest with you, OK? Somebody's gotta review these records and sometimes that somebody is gonna be me and I don't know what I'm talking about so, you know?–Joseph Titanium Germ

RUMFORD
All Night Train Wreck (Dubious Honor)
Train Wreck indeed and the passengers are in pain! Please god help them! Rumford is as Rumford does; scraggly-throated, dirty rawk'n'roll with Sabbath and Stooge-sized riffs reverberating off the garage walls, or in this case Big Daddy's Attic walls (that's a reference to the geographic location where this CD was recorded just so you know). Songs about baling hay ("Baling Hay"), bad weekends in Vegas ("My Bad Weekend in Vegas") and bad men ("Bad Men"). It's all here on one low priced and rockin' CD. Order now!--Jayne Wayne

THE SUPERTONES
Supertones Strike Back (BE Recordings)
So I put this Supertones CD on thinkin', Christ! Not another ska band, then the first track opens with a ska version of Metallica's "Creeping Death" from Ride the Lightening and I'm thinking, Wow, Metallica with trumpet, trombone and sax, interesting, this might be good. So I'm giving this record every chance I can. Then "Creeping Death" intro turns onto the "Supertones Strike Back" and it's fairly decent ska, which kinda all sounds the same to me, BUT THEN... the plot thickens a tad as I notice that the singer is singing about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I'm intrigued further. This is quite a bold move and definitely different from all the rest of the pagan shit I've been reviewing. The next song is about God too, or addressed to God at any rate, and lo and behold all the other tracks are about how God and Love and Jesus are our salvation, etc. and subsequently the music kind of degenerates into run of the mill ska. Now I refuse to put these guys down for ska-ing out their Christian beliefs but I will say that it's gonna take a little more than this CD to save my soul–Joey "I Really Had to Hold Back on this One" Germ

THE THUMBS
Sweet Merciful Crap... The Thumbs 7" EP (Soda Jerk)
I think I know where the thumbs are most of the time... but theriously... This is a little Punk Rock EP from Annapolis Punk Rock band The Thumbs. It's got five songs on it. I like the song "Move Out" 'cause it's short and the song "Homecoming" 'cause it's the classic, angry and accusatory you-think-you're-such-a-nonconfomrmist-but-you're-just-'The Man'-with-a-nose ring song. You the man. No, you the man–Joey "The Man" Germ

TRONA
Trona (Cosmic)
Speaking of X... this Trona album, and I'm sure they're tired of hearing it, although they should and probably are flattered by the comparisons, sound like X. It's the deadpan, male/female duet on the vocals. That's the most obvious, but apart from that this record rocks of its own accord. From Boston, baby–PC Jones

UK SUBS
Quintessentials (New Red Archives)
If there's gonna be punk rock bands out there doin' the same old thing that's been done a hundred and nineteen times in the past then there might as well be punk bands that have been doing it since day one and still do it better. Such as the UK Subs, for example. Thank you–Joey "US Subs" Germ

UNBELIEVABLE JOLLY MACHINE
This is My Life/Bitter 7" (Mutagenic)
In the immortal words of UJM, This is My life, a song about the trials and tribulations required by a life in rock music. The constant touring, day-to-day, hand-to-mouth existence, the sacrifices required, the broken relationships, the frustrations, the record reviews where the reviewer--some wannabe novelist trying to make a cheap buck postulating, pontificating, trying in vain to paint some picture with their eloquent words that nobody will read as the beer bottles pile up and the overdue bills pile up and the filth and the scum of urban living festers and crawls like a living thing over broken and dreams and shattered hopes and flip the record over and "Bitter" is all you get–BS Brown

VARIOUS
The Ozzfest Live (Red Ant/Ozz)
Dudes, I was so psyched about this concert, man, but when Ozzy falls off the wagon, I mean, he really falls off the wagon, you know. Right on his face. But I wish the man luck, 'cause he is The Man. Make no mistake about that. Right on! So, me and a bunch of my friends were going to go see Ozzfest and get a bunch of beer and go to Indiana Dunes and drink and smoke some weed and make a weekend out of it. My friend Casey had a big old bag of kind bud and his girlfriend is on the rag so we were gonna go with these two chicks we met out at Zeke's bar last Friday when Casey's old lady wasn't feelin' good and stayed home to watch Family Matters

(The conclusion of this epic tale will appear in Malcolm Tent's exciting new book titled "Riding the Lightning; Metal, My Mullet and Me--Ed.)

–Malcolm Tent

VARIOUS
You Can't Boar Like an Eabla When You Work with Turkrys (Amarillo)
These folks are genuinely weird. Check out the Amarillo catalog but please, I beg you, stay away from them. A lot of these bands on this sampler seem to be related, interchangable. There's some kind of incestuous thread that connects these people together. My favorite track is by the Zip Code Rapists, "Happy Like Larry (He Taught Me How to Die)," Hail Bop! I get kind of a foggy, fuzzing feeling in my brain when I listen to this CD. It's hard to describe, but in the immortal words of comic genius, Neil Hamburger (who is also featured on this sampler); "That's my life."--PC Jones

THE VELOUR MOTEL
Wolcott (Throwrug)
Kind of a slow, jangly guitar, soft vocals, kind of album. Early REM-ish with some Will Oldham vocal stylings. That may create a picture or sound in your head that Velour Motel may or may not live up to once you hear the record, but such is the danger in reviewing records–PC Jones

LAZY
The Lazy Music Group (Roadrunner)
OK, I know this is out of alphabetical order and so I apologize to all of you anally retentive people out there who make my life such hell most of the time, but much in the spirit of the name of this band the assigned reviewer simply did not get this review turned in on time, nor did he get it turned in, ever. So I gotta step in because I personally requested this CD from Roadrunner and I pretty much panned the last release Roadrunner sent me (Bennet--Super Natural) to which the PR woman at Roadrunner said unto me, "I read your Bennet review, if you want to call it a review" (she did not sound pleased) to which I replied, "I prefer to call it a period piece on 90s pop music. No, that last part is not true, but since I have to get this motherfucker (Reglar Wiglar #9) to the printers in less than two hours, true to my word, which has never meant much until now, let me just say that Lazy and this record rock. It reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons--no, no that's a good thing I swear! Whew! I hope everybody is pleased and appeased. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Please continue reading–C. Auman

---

RW #8 (1997)

Our reviewers have been asked to be a little more positive with their reviews. They have been asked to be a little less stingy with their compliments, a little more conservative with their smart-ass putdowns. Ladies and gentleman, they have been asked. What I should have done is asked the waste paper basket (that never get emptied) 'cause I would have gotten the same response. I'm sorry.

ZYGOTE
Captain of Starship Earth (RoosterCow)
This album is an instant classic. How could you go wrong with such an all-star line-up? John Vargas (ex-Pole Smoker, ex-Jinkies, ex-Faith Destroyers) on drums, Tim Jones (ex-MotherScratcher, ex-Instant Prehistoric Animals, ex-Waterhead, ex-Lunch Bucket Killers) on keyboards, Joy Reynolds (ex-Vag Girls, ex-Kitten Farm, ex-School Jones, ex-Rodeo Mole, ex-Waterhead) on bass; Cecil J. Basken (ex-Moment of Silence, ex-Lunch Bucket Killers, ex-Pill Poppers, ex-Pole Smoker, ex-Wine Kings, ex-Thirst Mitten, ex-Cords, ex-Rodeo Mole) on guitar; Bob Dashund (ex-Cereal Eaters, ex-School Jones, ex-X Marks the Spot, ex-Turkey Neck, ex-Sadistic Simplistics, ex-Thirst Mitten, ex-Wild Kids, ex-Experiments) on guitar and Roger Freid on vocals.

The album was recorded at Escape Studios where the likes of Tommy "T-Bone" Kerch, Sonny "Sunny" Jackson, "Wild" Bill Jenkins, Peabody McFields and Hubert "Papa Bear" Collins have all recorded. The album was recorded by L. Roberts (The Bitch, Resolution, Poppers, One Hit, Jody Baer, Sand Castles) It was mixed by Tony Barfly Pettigout (Trendsetters, Before the Revolution, The Drama Means, Mind Melt, The Abominations, Abomination Machine) If you've read this far, hopefully you've got enough of your wits about you to realize that the above review is complete and utter nonsense, a farce. There's really no point in continuing on with the gag now that we're both on the "same page," so to speak. Comprende?–Jayne Wayne

BENNET
Super Natural (Roadrunner)
"...a splendid nifty popcore blend of cheerily cynical Brit melodies and spunky Yank guitars."--NME. I'm going to lead with that quote from New Musical Express just in case I start rambling and don't actually mention the Bennet record again, which could happen. I don't know, on the one hand, it seems like every band blowing out of Britain these days is just trying to out "pop" each other. I mean where does the buggery end? If you like Oasis and you dig Supergrass and pop music and all that, then hey, you just might think Bennet are the cat's jammie jams or a really good rip-off.. I don't know...there's supposed to be some tie-in to American type grunge music too, but fuck, it's been about five years since grunge has been around and my punk ass still hasn't figured out what it is. Bennet, Supernatural, you might like it–Joey "Slack MF" Germ

BIGFOOT
Sleepwalk (lfm)
Oh my god! Not only did they find Bigfoot, but they let him make a record. Well, no of course they didn't, because then the Loch Ness Monster would be beggin' for studio time with whatever the hell is in Hangar 13 and wouldn't that just be a hootenany? Bigfoot is a band from Columbus, home of the lfm label and a man named Lizard McGee, so be careful. Lfm stands for lo-fi music and well, that's what Sleepwalk is and it ain't half bad at that. David Holms seems to be the principal writer of the group, writing slow jangly introspective little numbers and more mid-tempo foot tappers as well. Drummer Brad Swinarski and guitarist Jeff Clowdus contribute a song each as well, which adds a touch of diversity to the Sleepwalk.

Record reviewer's Album Title Metaphor Cop-Out: Sleepwalk sounds like what it would be like if you were walking in your sleep listening to music–Jayne Wayne

DESCENDENTS
Everything Sucks (Epitaph)
How true, how true. Everything does indeed suck. I personally don't think the Descendents are capable of making a bad record. These fuckers are as tight as they ever was. Unlike most old school punk bands who've reformed in the 90s looking to serve up a hearty helping of the punk rock pie (perhaps deservedly) these guys in their old age didn't learn how to suck. Hell, I'm 64 and I'm still whuppin' ass ass–Muggsy "Never Went to College" McMurphy

THE FAIRLANES
Hi, We're the Fairlanes 7" EP (Suburban Home)
Hi, I'm Joey Germ and I'll be reviewing your record and that's not necessarily a good thing if you are at all sensitive to bad reviews. Just kiddin' fellahs (true as it may be). The Fairlanes. Pop punk from Colorado. Happy pop punk. Kids with real swell attitudes. Songs about girls, love, and bein' in love with girls. Sugary pop punk. Archies meet the Ramones in the Rockies. Ooow wa oooo WA oooo WA a WA ooo. You fuckers got off easy. Don't send me anymore of your records and nobody gets hurt–Joey "Don't Sing Me Love Songs" Germ

THE GREAT BRAIN
Satan Superman/Dot Buster (Sonic Swirl)
Wow. Sonic Swirl indeed. Distorted, scratchy, howling, hissing static feedback. Satanic both stated and implied. Can't miss with Muggsy. Muggsy likes all of thee above–Muggsy "The Great Brain" McMurphy

THE GOBLINS
Giant Robot Rock 'n' Roll (Won't Go Flat)
Giant Robot Rock 'n' Roll! Giant Robot Rock 'n' Roll! Giant Robot Rock 'n' Roll! Yeah! Creepy Porno Guy! Creepy Porno Guy! Creepy Porno Guy! Chic-A-Go-Go! Chic-A-Go-Go! Chic-A-Go-Go! Whoo hoo! Unmask yourselves Goblins and have at thee. I am not afraid of your "rock music"!–-PC Jones

GOOD PUSS
Good Puss Also Comes Alive (no label)
Eight songs recorded live in Chicago at a party in some basement somewhere, Sounds like it could be in the Uptown area but I really couldn't possibly know that for sure. Kansas City's Good Puss give us a couple of covers, "Katchaturian" (or the pie spinning song as it is referred to by someone), "Woman" (sung with as much passion and conviction as if Helen Reddy herself crashed the party), and the show-ending, crowd-pleasing, "Mr. Roboto" by the immortal rock band Styx (a fabled river in Greek mythology which separated the land of the living and the land of the dead, very cool). Good Puss fill out the rest of the set with five original tunes of frustration, lost love, and life affirming ballads (Bit 'O Honey is a standout tune) or maybe I just made that up. I don't know. They have a horn section. Yes, I Joseph Titanium Germ, was present at this party. I don't remember any bands playing, but a lot of linen was changed in the OFF-White House the evening of this show, you can be sure–JTG

JAWS OF LIFE
"$2800" b/w "Jack Johnson" 7" (Beluga)
I agree, 2800 bucks is a lot of money. I bet it could buy a lot of hooch for these guys. I don't know if it would make them sound any sloppier. As it stands these guys sound like they are teetering on the brink of sobriety. Seven inches of full on half-assed mirth. Jack Johnson? What the fu--are these lyrics in French? Dieu vous garde–Joey "Le fu-fu" Germ

KLANK
Still Suffering (Tooth & Nail)
You're still suffering? I just sat through your whole CD, buddy! Klank is as Klank does, I guess we are to believe. Klank is Daren "Klank" Diolosa. He signed his record contract in his own blood (this is true, it says so in his bio). Oh you bet I'd be scared if I was Klank's label. Imagine the guy who gave him the contract when Klank pulls out a knife and ceremoniously slices his hand open to draw the blood-ink from him veins. "A excuse me, Mr. Klank, deals with the Devil are done down the hall in the Marketing Department"–Joey Germ

MARILYN MANSON
Antichrist Superstar (Nothing)
Marilyn Manson? I see people walkin' around Uptown (tryin' their best to look like they got their shit together) that look scarier than these guys. You're all freaks! Go back to bed–PC Jones

MXPX
Life in General (Tooth & Nail)
Anyone remember when punk rock records (CDs) didn't come with 16 page, glossy, full color, lyric booklets? Neither do I. Oi vey! Some of the most uncreative cover art I've seen since (fill in the blank--make your own smart-ass comment, I'm tired). The music: tight, very produced punk rock. Buy it, kids. It'll shave the hair right off your heads–Joey "Tired, Tired, Tired" Germ

NOBODYS VS. PINHEAD CIRCUS
7/10 Split Split 7" (Soda Jerk)
The highest scoring band got the a-side. JJ of the Nobodys had the highest game with a 165... ahh, just for the record there fellahs, I bowl a 166 on a bad night. At any rate, we got more Colorado punk rock here courtesy of the folks at Soda Jerk Records. Lucky for them I snagged this 7 inch before Germ could get his greezy hands on it and am therefore probably giving both bands on this split a break. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the music. There's music on this record. There, I'm done–Muggsy "Kingpin" McMurphy

PHOENIX THUNDERSTONE
Ride of the Lawless (Skratchy)
New Wave of Artist Owned Labels! Skrathcy Records! I'm just gonna go ahead and misspell Skratchy's name until they do just a little bit of research and spell Reglar Wiglar right when they send me their mediocre promos. Actually, I don't give a shit how they spell Reglar Wiglar. As long as my name is spelled right on my paycheck I got no beef with nobody. The publisher of this magazine insisted that I spell it this way. He feels slighted, unimportant, and under appreciated. Christ! I don't know, the guys got some issues to deal with. Nuthin' to do with me. I just say "Yass Boss" and do what I'm told. I hate myself. Anyway, this CD has got kind of a backwater countrified bare bones sound, a watered down Flesheaters kind of flava'. Their press release thingy starts off "imagine the sound of Jon Spencer meeting the cramps and Gun Club in a swamp and having his ass kicked... that's the sound of Phoenix Thunderstone... Of course, if you are a fan of Jon Spencer, The Cramps or Gun Club then that statement is just an insulting, and very ridiculous exaggeration that somebody who works for Scrachee wishes were true but if that sounds like something you'd be into then...go buy it. Once again, I have done my job! Thank you–Muggsy McMurphy

RARE FORM
Tense 7" (Dubious Honor)
I don't know what kind of "thing" is singing on this record, but let me tell yah somethin', it definitely is a "thing" 'cause it ain't human. Humans do not sing like this, and I use the term "sing" quite loosely. This is metal, grindcore, sick, twisted. Sounds good on 33 or 45 rpm. You just can't tell. You're just too scared. If you played this while someone slept, you know, pumped it into their subconscious, like how people listen to those foreign language tapes to learn whilst they slumber, anyway, if you did that to somebody with this record, you could possibly destroy that person. Know what I mean? Are we connecting?--PC Jones

THE ROCK-A-TEENS
Cry (Daemon)
Hey-hey-hey, Hello, hello-hello. Could someone turn down the reverb-verb-verb-verb? This records sounds like it was recorded in a big, empty warehouse somewhere right out in the middle of nowhere. It's despondent, hopeless, languish-laden Languish-laden? I'll let the Rock-a-Teens say it' 'cause they said it best when they said: "With this record (Cry) we continue our reverb soaked shame spiral into the basement of bummer rock." Yep, they sure do. I like the basement, I used to live there, sometimes I still live there. Boo hoo–T-Bone

RUTH RUTH
The Little Death (Epitaph)
Epitapherific! No, but stheriously, when the cover of your CD is a replica of a great classic of 20th century literature (Catcher in the Rye) your CD had better rock my ass. Yes, very clever cover, very clever indeed. They think their band's so nice they named it twice, but Muggsy thinks just one Ruth would suffice. A lot of time spent on this band, you know, recording 'em, puttin' out their record, mailin' the record to fanzines and then I go and say, "Whew, what stinks?" That's gotta be frustrating, but hey, I had to listen to it–Muggsy "Feel My Pain" McMurphy

SUNDAY PUNCHER
"Dry" b/w "Kick Back Relax" 7" (Turnbuckle)
In the same vein as a Bailter Space, has a Spaceman 3 kind of groove. Mellow, melodic, trance inducing, "toe gazing" some might proffer. Not bad, not bad at all. I realize "not bad, not bad at all" is not the kind of review that you want to go pasting into your press kit, but I'm not the kind of music critic who's very good at, you know, coming up with different words to say about something--articulate, yeah, that's the word articulate. I'm not very articulate–Malcolm Tent

SUNDAY PUNCHER
"Part-timer" b/w "Casual Acquaintance" 7" (Turnbuckle)
Same review as above. Sorry, we found out that Muggsy has been using the thesaurus to roll joints on. He thought it was an anthology of Greek mythology. Not that he was going to try and read it, he just though it would be cool to roll joints on. That is kind of cool, if it would have been an anthology of Greek mythology and not a "word book" like Muggsy calls it–Malcolm Tent

TEAM SATAN
"Devil Made Us Do It" b/w "1996" (Off-white)
Compelling lyrics, griping guitar work, competent drumming, pounding bass makes this the best record of all time... you know the Devil made me write that–PC Jones

THICK SKIN
"Shoe Box" b/w "Ribcage" (Paris Scope)
Thick skin. Well that thick skin is gonna come in handy, boys, 'cause let me tell yah what I think of your record: It stinks! No seriously, it does–Jayne Wayne

TING
"Which Way to Willabee" b/w "Gaze" "God is Big" (Won't Go Flat)
Ting don't make a sound like 'ting'. It ain't no ting. This ain't no onomatopoeia. Hey, I'm no onomatologist, but don't make me get onomastic on your ass, 'cause I was just makin' a point. Ting is bare bones, unsteady, unsure, the song "Gaze" reminds this reviewer of early Gang of Four with Andy Gill takin' a breather. Sparse, minimal, kinda cool actually–Joey "Ting" Germ

UNBELIEVABLE JOLLY MACHINE
Flap Jack (Mutagenic)
This is from way up north there in Minneapolis. Minneapolis had them quite a scene a few years back what with Husker Du and The Mats and Soul Asylum and what not. These fellows seem to have borrowed or been influenced heavily by earlier Soul Asylum records. Spastic kinda "whoa, easy boy" rock. You know, if I could just take a time out here and ask the question: "Whatever happened to fucking Soul Asylum, huh?" Maybe most of you saw the cheese on the horizon and never bought into their rock in the first place. "Frustrated Incorporated"? Tragic. Anyway UJM are at the point in their career where their just freak rockin' it. Flapjack is just a fallin' down, screamin', slappin' your drum/bass/guitar until it hurts, Midwest style record. The Midwest, where flannel is not a lifestyle choice, it's in your DNA mutha' fucka–Slim Jim

VAMPIRE LESBOS
"We're the Men in Black" b/w "Tumor" 7" (Dubious Honor)
Legendary Punk Rock Conspiracy Theorists, The Vampire Lesbos have the political slant of Jello Biafra with an old school punk rock sound. They're out to keep you informed about the evils of your government and what their trying to hide, the evils of working for the corporate machine and anything else you've forgotten to think about since you started getting into the new Sponge CD. "Open your eyes, man!"–Joey "I Ain't Workin' for the Man" Germ

VELOUR MOTEL/THE VELMAS
4-song spit 7" (Throw Rug)
You know the publishers figured maybe one of the reasons I write such negative reviews is because my chair is so damn hard on my ass. I'll be goddamned if they didn't go out and buy me a nice big 'ol comfy little office chair on wheels. I'm going mobile. Now when I'm writing a review and get overwhelmed by thirst, I can just blast off from my desk, sail into the employee lounge, grab a cold one out of the fridge and be back in enough time to throw an s.u.c.k.s onto the word processor. The office stooges say that my productivity has jumped up 10% in the last three months alone. They say my reviews have become longer, more insightful and a downright pleasure to read. Hey, that reminds me, I'm doing a review right now! Check it out: "Throw Rug has put together an altogether, not unpleasant solid seven inch from two bands I know altogether nothing about. It's kind of a mid-tempo rock affair really, really (hold on a second will yah, I'll be right back--Whoah, ran over Jayne Wayne's foot who was also on the way to the fridge, which between you and me, she should be doin' a lot less often)--sucks. Ha! Just kidding--Muggsy "No Longer the Hard-Ass" McMurphy

---

RW #7 (1996)

THE VINDICTIVES
"Johnny, Where Are You?" b/w "Eating Me Alive" (Lookout!)
I don't know if the Vindictives are brilliant or stupid (thin line between clever and stupid, yah know). What I do know is that both songs on this seven inch are exactly the same. No foolin'. I'm not even trying to be vindictive myself here or silly or even write a review. I'm just sayin' that these two songs are identical except for the lyrics and like I said, I don't know if that's brilliant or stupid, I'm just gonna put it out of my head–J. Germ

NOFX
Heavy Petting Zoo (Epitaph)
Hey man, I don't know shit about punk rock? What's my name? Joey what? Joey Fuckin' T. Germ, motherfucker. I'm up your ass and down your throat before you can say punk rock. Am I punk rock? Shit!--Joey Germ

ROGER MILLER
Elemental Guitar (SST)
If I could sit through this record of one musician singing his own songs and playing all his own instruments with the aid of a plethora of effects pedals, I bet it'd be good. But that ain't gonna happen–Muggsy "Not Today" McMurphy

FATSO JETSON
Stinky Little Gods (SST)
Don't like surf music, nope–PC Jones

BIG ANGRY FISH
Fish, Big Angry Fish (Beluga)
These guys aren't fish for one thing. They may be angry, they should be, I'd be angry too if I was in this band. (Ha, it's a joke!) Actually, these fellahs got the college pop thing pretty much nailed down. The songs are solid, played competently. No new ground broken here and I guess that can be ok–PC Jones

FULFLEJ
The Microwave EP (Scratchie)
Hey, I thought I told you guys to stop making records. Must have been somebody else. Boy, was I hard on these kids in issue number six. Hey, I ain't sayin' they didn't have it coming, but shit, I gotta chill out or I'm not gonna have any friends out there when my band Butt Hammer starts touring (should be sometime this fall, we haven't actually formed yet)–Muggsy "Jerky" McMurphy

AVAIL
4AM Friday (Lookout!)
Avail is emo to the core. Fugazi inspired, positive youth rockers. Anthemic and catchy songs. Important music for the kids. I'll take the risk of sounding condescending and say, I would have been way into this record when I was in high school. As it is today, I still dig it (I'm 67 you know). I bet these guys are vegans–PC Jones

BELLTOWER
"Underwatertown" b/w "Orbit" &" (Scratchie)
You know it's funny, the Reglar Wiglar P.O. box is just a little smaller than a 7 inch record. Not much smaller, but in terms of incontestable physical laws, it is smaller. So when you're a postal worker and you cram that fuckin' 7 inch into a box that's about 6"x6" you have thereby rendered that little piece of vinyl completely unlistenable. Belltower, if you're out there reading this, you have the United States Postal Service this thank for this review. Consider them armed and dangerous–Muggsy McMurphy

DEAD NUGGETS DISH
Boutros Boutros Ghali (Botswana at Night)
Their press kit registered in at just under 30 pages. That is way, way too, too, too long. I don't care if you're the Rolling Stones, nobody needs a press kit that hefty. No body!–Scat-in-the-Hat

GUIDED BY VOICES/NEW RADIANT STORM KINGS
"The Opposing Engineer Sleeps Alone" b/w "I Am a Scientist" split 7" (Chunk)
Oh my God, I've been robbed! Wait a minute, no, I just paid four bucks for the Guided by Voices/New Radiant Storm Kings split 7 inch. My fault, I thought I was robbed. Didn't mean to alarm anyone. Oh my God, I just paid four bucks for the new Guided by Voices/ New Radiant Storm Kings split 7 inch!–PC Jones

SCREW RADIO
Talk Radio Violence (SST)
Interesting if you've followed the whole SST vs. Negativland vs. Island Records vs. Casey Kasem vs. U2 vs. Whoever the Hell Else legal battle. To make a long story short on that, is that a big record company got thoroughly pissed at a little record company and their little band's slam on their big band and so set in motion a series of legal actions that reamed more than a few careers. Greg Ginn seems to be involved in some third party shit on this release. There's radio sound bites liberally sampled. In light of these recent legal hassles, it's probably legit. Probably, but maybe somebody could sue his ass. You lawyers out there, why don't you look into this an give me a call if we got a case. And don't try freezing me out of the deal, I own the idea. Fuck with me and I'll sue you. Sue everybody! –Joey T.G.

TRIPLEFASTACTION
Broadcaster (Capitol)
Capitol's got another lemon on their hands. Lemonade, anyone?–Scat-in-the-Hat

NO KNIFE
Drunk on the Moon (Time Bomb)
I don't know if the title for this record is to be taken literally, like you know, some dude up on the moon drinkin' 40s or like, if it's like you think the moon is so cool that you're kind of drunk on the moon, you know. Musically there are some interesting things going on here. I don't like the vocals, but this is comin' from a guy who had a full color poster of Rob Halford on his wall from '84 to '89. My Ma threw it out when I moved out of the house (incidentally, I didn't actually move out I just hadn't crashed there for a couple of weeks and so she burned all my shit). Those wounds have been healed and I stand a better man for it. No Knife, I don't know. They're from San Diego. So's my cousin and he's cool. Kinda–Muggsy McMurphy

BOGMEN
Life Begins at 40 Million (Arista)
I'm not sure what this is. It's certainly not Alternative and that's more than fine. It's not Top 40 fodder, I don't think. I just don't know who the audience would be. Who's the target market on this? People who don't buy music? People who don't get out much? Kids aren't gonna buy this that's for damn sure. The Bogmen are competent enough musicians and they don't write awful songs, I don't know, Adult Contemporary maybe? Yuppie music, that what it is. It's typical of what you get if you are a low budget, freebie zine and you agree to be on BMGs promo list; a lot of CDs you have no time or use for–Joey Germ

BUTTSTEAK
Men without Pause (Go-Kart)
The Butt is back. This, their fourth album, (second for G-Kart) is a little more serious than their last record, Moroccan VD CD LP It's still silly as hell as far as lyrical content, but they seem a little more bent on making a polished, dare I say accessible, record. This is not a bad thing and this record rocks and this is a talented band, they're just a little more reserved this time around. Still recommended but where's that girl that used to be in the band? Where'd she go? Huh? Why'd she go? Hmmmm?–Scat-in-the-Hat

BELLOLUNA
Pleasant Music for Nice People (Daemon)
The only thing I hate more than pleasant music is nice people. Seriously this record makes you want to listen to Steely Dan just to forget you've ever heard of Belloluna. They've been described as a cross between Mel Torme and Supertramp A recipe for torture that Amnesty International needs to be made aware of my name ain't PC Jones–PC Jones

THE KRINKLES
"Evil Waterbed" b/w "Fun" 7" (Super 800)
Worst record cover that I've ever seen on a 7 inch and that will cost you points. Maybe "Evil Waterbed" is not quite the "finely crafted pop melody" that the accompanying literature suggested–hold on a second., I left that godawful Belloluna CD on and that wouldn't be fair to the Krinkles to have that shit penetrating my brain while writing a review of their record. Ahhh, that's much better. Actually, The Krinkles do manage to come through with some decent bar room pop rock, kinda sloppy, kinda fun. If I ever found myself drunk at the Beat Kitchen on a Friday/Saturday night (it hasn't happened yet) and The Krinkles were layin' it down and the cover was about three bucks–I wouldn't throw nuthin' at 'em–Muggsy McMurphy

VARIOUS
The Beautiful People (lfm)
I was into all the lo-fi shit that came out a couple years ago, I'm more partial to 48 track, multi-layered stuff now (aren't fanzine writers just the ficklest fuckers?) At any rate, this comp. comes from Dayton, OH which has been named, by its musician residents, the Capitol of lo-fi. I'm not gonna argue that claim, and there's' some good lo-fi rock on this CD, from Earwig in particular, whose guitar player is named Lizard McGee, which I wish my name was, and in fact, am thinking of changing it to. Bands, Preston Furman and Monster Zero also got a split 7 inch out on the lfm label so look for that too. Love–Lizard McGee

NEW ROB ROBBIES
Wilson's Revenge (Mind of a Child)
This is the Robbie's follow up to last year's wonderful Nuts and Balls. It's just as good as that ten inch, only it's longer, but still not quite long enough. Nine songs and 25 minutes of barley contained, yet tight-ass pop rock that's a little heavier on the rock. "Bar-De-Bar" and "Tipper" are two particularly shinning moments of which there are many. Shine, Robbies, shine–PC Jones

YES
Fragile (A&M)
Well it's been decided, if I'm to remain on the Wiglar's pay roll I gotta learn how to write better reviews. That's what has been suggested by Upper Management anyway. Now in order for me to write better reviews I told them straight out, you gotta give me better music to review. I'm dying here with this crap that you're giving me. This grunge, this punk rock, I mean puh-leaze. If you want me to review records for you (and they don't, but I saved an executive's life at the employee picnic last year) let me review the classics. Refresh people's memories. Remind these frickin' punk kids where their roots are. So Auman says, "Wow! That sounds like a really bad idea!" He's so funny I could smack 'em in his balding head. Anyway: Fragile. Oh sweet '79. I remember the first time I heard this record...

(This has been the first installment of Malcolm Tent's review of the album Fragile by the British Prog-Rock band, Yes. The second installment will appear in a future issue of the Reglar Wiglar (or so Malcolm Tent has been told). You're welcome for the interuption-Ed)

WORMHOLE STAR
Chicks Dig Scars (Roadtrip)
Wormhole Star is the same band as the Irish band Wormhole. Seems like there already is a band named Wormhole here in the States and in order to tour here and release records here they had to change their name. Anyway, these guys kind of remind me of an Irish Sebadoh. Lo-fi songs, a little nosier, muddier, with hooks buried a little deeper. These guys aren't an Irish Sebadoh, however, and some of the songs get tedious and are a little too noisy, muddy, and with no melody, buried or otherwise. A promising effort any any rate and they're Irish–Muggsy McMurphy

BAD RELIGION
All Ages (Epitaph)
I missed Bad Religion the first time around, I must admit. Apart from the Descendents and T.S.O.L. I think I missed most of the 80s LA punk scene. As it is, Bad Religion ain't half bad. It's a little too late in the game for me to jump on any Bad Religion band wagon, somebody should have given me this record ten years ago. Oh well–PC Jones

THE JIMMIES/THE WEAKLINGS
The Bittersweet Series Vol. 1 (Bittersweet)
This is a double CD release featuring two Portland punk rock bands; The Jimmies and The Weaklings. Pretty, cool packaging. Pretty basic punk rock. Entertaining, nostalgic. You know, I gotta tell yah. I am really sick of punk rock. OK, anyway, yeah, it's all right. A hell of a lot better than the punk rock that's being mass produced way down the coast there in LA. Good god! Thank you Portland–PC Jones

BALI GIRLS
Bali Girls (Bittersweet)
Interesting to listen to. A comparison to Steelpole Bathtub is in order. Similar sound. Similar vocal style, kind of grating, borderline whiny, it works. From Seattle and it ain't grunge? We're comin' along. We're getting over it–Scat-in-the-Hat

FATTY LOVE
Four-twenty (Tenderizer)
Smoke some pot, get a band together, smoke some pot, write some songs, smoke some pot, record those songs, smoke some pot, put out a record, smoke some pot, break up, and smoke some pot. Fatty Love, Ladies and Gentlemen–Muggsy "Fatty Love" McMurphy

BURN THE PRIEST
Demo (no label)
All right, so I ain't been to church since the eleventh grade, but Christ, somethin' about this band just doesn't sit right with my Catholic upbringing. I can't understand the lyrics on this demo tape but you can bet your ass they're rife with Satanic messages and epistles of the most extreme evil imaginable. Say a couple Hail Mary's before you crank the volume up on this one. That oughta' make things right with your maker–Muggsy "Last Minute" McMurphy

GRAVELBED
Total Burnout (Off-white)
Total gross out is what the cover of this CD is. It's a close-up of somebody's shin after a wipeout of some kind and I'll tell yah, I didn't need to see it. Gravelbed are a guitar band from Indianapolis, a Midwest Guitar Band. A Good Midwest Guitar Band. I like Good Midwest Guitar Bands. Their singer's got some strong pipes and a good range, reminiscent of one Greg Duli form another Good Midwest Guitar Band and although there's nothing wrong with sounding like Greg Duli, it doesn't score you points with Joey Germ–Joey "What'd I Say?" Germ

MURPHY'S LAW
Dedicated (Another Planet)
Murphy's Law is dedicated... to doing the same old thing–Joey Germ

HOSE GOT CABLE
Hose Got Cable (Old Glory)
"Pigs! Pigs! Pigs!" This is a testament to the existence of Richmond, VA's Hose Got Cable, now defunked. A fine record it is. Rock as heck, heavy as fuck, melodic for seconds at a time. Downright frightening for longer. Good trips, bad trips all rolled into one. Nightmares and some grooves. Be careful if you listen to this all alone and you're not quite right. Know what I mean?–Joey Germ

VAMBO MARBLE EYE
Corn Fed 7" EP (Off-white)
Chicago via Ohio, Corn Rockers, Vambo Marble Eye churn out another four buttery tunes on their latest Off-white 7" EP. Each song is a tasty kernel of barely contained farm rock. Born in corn cribs, raised on cornbread, suckin' on the cob since they were knee-high in July, VME just want to raise the corn and they want to rock you, and what the hell is wrong with that? Vambo Marble Eye, ladies and gentleman, Vambo Marble Eye–Joey "Corn on the Cob" Germ

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