Joey Germ's
ONE
WORD RECORD REVIEWS
Hey, I'm a minimalist. Why mince words when saying petty, vindictive
things, or nice ass-kissey things about an artist and their work? One word can
often sum up our feelings about someone or something whether we like or no like.
It worked for our hairy, cave-dwelling ancestors didn't it? Sure it did.
THE DT'S
Hard Fixed (Estrus)
Shaking.
JERRY FELS
I've Made My Bed and Now I'm Lying in It (NFR)
Sleepy.
THE HURT PROCESS
Drive By Monologue (Victory)
Hurtful.
THE FALLOUTS
Summertime (Estrus)
Hot!
LOVE STORY IN BLOOD RED
Love Story in Blood Red (Backward Masking)
Lovely.
SPLITHABIT
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is (Double Zero)
Broke.
VARIOUS
Bad Scene, Everyone's Fault; Jawbreaker Tribute (Dying
Wish)
Honorific!
VISION
Detonate (Chunksaah)
Explosive.
VOLCANO VULTURE
Wave of Fur (Bad Bunny)
Furry.
FLORAPOP
Sunshine Saturday (JAM)
Florapoppy.
THE FORGOTTEN
Out of Print (BYO)
Fugetaboutit.
MONEEN
are we really happy with who we are right now (Vagrant)
Monon.
ONE MAN ARMY
Rumors and Headlines (BYO)
Outnumbered.
ORGANIC
The Life and Times of Sal Sagev (Microcosm/Boss Tunage)
Earthy.
PISTOL GRIP
Another Round (BYO)
Gripping.
POLKAHOLICS
Polka Can't Die (no label)
Fabpolkatastariffic.
SCISSORFIGHT
Potential New Agent for Unconventional Warfare (Tortuga)
Cutting.
VARIOUS
Fat Music Vol. VI (Fat Wreck)
Varying.
BURY YOUR DEAD
Cover Your Tracks (Victory)
Murderous.
DENVER HARBOR
Scenic (Universal)
Landlubbers.
FOREVER CHANGED
The Need to Feel Alive (Flood Gate)
Pubescent.
GLORY OF THIS
Adoration (Indianola)
Vainglorious.
THE KNOCKOUT PILLS
1 + 1 + Ate (Estrus)
Knocked-up.
SLEEPYKID
Monday Morning Smile (Get Hip)
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
THE NEW TRANSIT DIRECTION
Wonderful Defense Mechanisms (Some Records)
Southerly.
FOREVER FORGOTTEN
Dying Beautiful (Thorp)
Recalled.
THE REASON
Ravenna (SmallMan)
Exscream-o.
NERF HERDER
American Cheese (Honest
Don's)
Nerdherders.
WAFFLE HOUSE
Olympia (Forge Again)
Syrupy.
WAX CANNON
Life-Sized Animals Walking Around (Commie Martyr)
Bombarding.
KNUT
Challenger (Hydra Head)
Challenging!
SMOKE
Smoke Follows Beauty (Kozmik)
Potheads.
THE SOUND OF URCHIN
You Are the Best (RCA)
Blubblubblub (get it?)
STRUNG OUT
An American Paradox (Fat Wreck Chords)
Paradoxical
CLAUDIA MALIBU
Silver Tangerine Hangover (Teardrop)
Psychelicious.
SICK OF IT ALL
Live in a Dive Series (Fat)
Nauseating.
THE KAISERS
Shake Me! (Get Hip)
Shook.
BAD ASTRONAUT/ARMCHAIR MARTIAN
The World's IBC Heavyweight Championship split EP (O&O)
Astronomical.
BRACKET
Live in A Dive (Fat Wreck Chords)
Racket.
DUOTANG
The Bright Side (Mint)
Dull-o-tang.
GRANDPA'S GHOST
Stardust & Smog/Early Autumn Waltz Double CD (Upland)
Haunting.
LIMP
Limp (Honest Don's)
Flaccid.
NO USE FOR A NAME
Live in a Dive (Fat Wreck Chords)
Useless.
WILL HAVEN
Carpe Diem (Revelation)
Unseized.
RIVER CITY REBELS
Playing to Live, Living to Play (Victory)
Rebellious. (too easy?)
STUDENT RICK
Soundtrack for a Generation (Victory)
D+
VICTIMS FAMILY
Apocalicious (Alternative Tentacles)
Victimlicious.
CANNIBAL CORPSE
Bloodthirst (Metal Blade)
Savage.
INDECISION
Release the Cure (MIA)
Undecided.
LEADFOOT
Take a Look (TMC)
Unleaded.
NOFX
The Decline (Fat Wreck Chords)
Nothnx.
REATARDS
You're So Lewd 7" (empty)
Challenged.
TREE
Playing to Live, Living to Play (Victory)
Lumbering.
IN MY EYES
Nothing to Hide (Revelation)
Astigmatismic.
JUPITER DOWN
Jupiter Down (Beluga)
Interplanetary.
MONSTER MAGNET
Dopes to Infinity (A&M)
Stoned.
FUGAZI
Red Medicine (Dischord)
Fugazi.
BAD BRAINS
God of Love (Maverick)
Muted.
LUNACHICKS
Jerk of all Trades (Go-Kart)
Obnoxious
DFL
Proud to be DFL (Epitaph)
Yawn--excuse me (that wasn't part of the review). Hardcore.
SUPERCHUNK
Here's Where the Strings Come in (Merge)
Superfluous.
MERCURY REV
See You on the Other Side (Sony)
Mercurial.
THE FLAMING LIPS
Clouds Taste Metallic (Warner Bros.)
Silly.
VOODOO GLOW SKULLS
Firme (Epitaph)
Ska-tatonic or Ska-tological (you pick).
SONIC YOUTH
Washing Machine (DGC)
Vindicating.
BOSS HOG
Boss Hog (DGC)
Boss.
FULLY/LADY LUCK
A New Beginning split CD (ITJ)
Splitting.
KILLING CULTURE
Killing Culture (Edel America)
Ejective.
CHUMP
Spaceheater (Readymade)
Chumpy.
LIVING SACRIFICE
Reborn (Tooth & Nail)
Vicious.
GUTTERMOUTH
Musical Monkey (Nitro)
Profane.
AVENUE VENDOME
Saturn Chateaux (Full Court Press)
Spacey.
MELVINS
Honky (AmRep)
Whitey.
LIFT
Lifelike (Daemon)
Lifting.
STAVESACRE
Absolutes (Tooth & Nail)
Absolutely.
SLICK SHOES
Rusty (Tooth & Nail)
Slick shit (Sorry that was two words.)
SEBADOH
Bakesale (Sub Pop)
Pensive.
LIZ PHAIR
Whip Smart (Matador)
Popular.
MORSEL
Noise Floor (choke, inc.)
Hi-fi-sci-fi.
JOHN SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION
Orange (Matador)
Frenzied.
GUIDED BY VOICES
Bee Thousand (Scat)
Artistic.
WESLEY WILLIS
Mr. Magoo Goes to Jail (no label)
Autistic.
SIN NATION SINSATION
Second Coming of the... (Metalli-Sized)
Atoescious.
PSYCHO PUNKS
Eat Shit and Die (Really Rad)
Unruly.
KNOB GOBBLER
Firme (Epitaph)
Unnecessary.
THE WOODROWS
Grunge Has Been Good to Me (Woodrow Hill)
Ultimate.
STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
Purple (Atlantic)
Purply.
REVIEWS WRITTEN IN 45 SECONDS
It's
down to the wire again in the Record Review Department, another deadline rising,
another three months of continuous inactivity and general fucking around. The
tequila supply is waning and the troops are whining and it's time to crank this
mother out. You've got 45 seconds before I call time, maggots. Go!
FIVE BY NINE
Five by Nine 7"
EP (Soda Jerk)
Punk rock with
melody. Sounds like there's a Bad Religion mojo working here. A big Bad Religion
mojo. No time to check the lyric sheet for socially aware themes—TIME!
FREAK MAGNET
Clean Shave/Looks Familiar
7" (Scratchie)
Ah, my nemesis,
Skrachee Records, we meet again. I see you have sent me another one of your
releases. Excellent! I will enjoy very much writing a review of this new record
that you have sent to me, ha ha ha—TIME!
GOBLINS
Goblin vs. Goblin double
7" (Mind of a Child)
Two slabs of vinyl
serve up the Goblins latest 7" effort with each Goblin taking a side to
outdo the other and asking the question who is the better Goblin. Well, after
listening closely to each song I would have to say, without a doubt, that the
most ridiculous--excuse me--artistic Goblin would definitely be, without
question—TIME!
(That last one actually took slightly longer
than 45 seconds but sometimes a gag needs to be set up properly if it is to
be effective. Sorry for any inconvenience this break in continuity may have
caused you.)
MAO TSE HELEN
Mao Tse Helen 7"
EP (Shameless)
Oh Christ! Ahhhh,
Butthole Surfers, drugs, all kinds of shit going off, noises--hope you're having
a good time tonight--whistles? Must try to think clearly...must finish review—TIME!
THE MR. T EXPERIENCE
...and I will be with
you. 7"(Lookout!)
First song is a
hard edged 80s sounding, pop punk tune. Flip side is a cover of some 70s ditty
that should have been left uncovered, then back to the pop punk thing on the
last—TIME!
OLROCK
Ambulance Spanking Seizure
(Funeral/Monstro)
Thick, heavy, fiendish,
death, funerals, suffering, pain, screaming, horrific voices, beastly voices.
I think... am... becoming and Orlock.. help... me—TIME!
APPLESEED CAST
The End of the Ring Wars (Deep Elm)
Powerful, emotional--an indie rock triumph from the first song to the second...
and then it would be time for another approach—TIME!
CROSS MY HEART
Cross My Heart (Deep
Elm)
One of many, many bands I've heard in the past year or so that sound pretty
much exactly like this. Sensitive indie rock or emocore or emoindiecore or something—TIME!
SWINDLE
Better of Dead (Cargo)
Punk. Punk Rock. Pretty basic, follow-the-rules-of-punk-rock punk rock. Nuthin'
new, nuthin' very exciting, nuthin'. If you actually paid for this, that's where
the Swindle part comes in—TIME!
SEE SPOTS
Word Order (Deep Reverb)
Mostly instrumental music which is good 'cause a lot of bands should stop right
before they let their vocalist loose on the microphone. Just stop and rethink
the situation is all I ask. Which I think these guys did. Which is good—TIME!
FINGER ELEVEN
tip (Wind-Up)
Uugggh! Sweet Old Style take me away...—TIME!
POP UNKNOWN
Summer Season Kills (Deep
Elm)
Hey, I've known pop like this before! This here is a five song EP of pop music
that may or may not move you depending on if you listen to a lot of good music
or not. Ahh the safety of ambiguity. No, I do not have to form an opinion on
every piece of music ever recorded. That's a myth—TIME!
THEE PSYCHIC HEARTS
Thenceforthpsychinhearts 7" (Airborne Virus)
Side A is some pretty good Bailter Space toe-gazing rock and the b-side is just
a B-side at best, maybe even a c-side—TIME!
TREPAN NATION
Banish Gods from the Skies and Capitalists from Earth
(Harmless)
It's like having somebody drill a friggin' hole right into your friggin' skull
in some attempt at corrective brain surgery, or something—TIME!
TRAVEL
Opus Oil Slick # Said Same (Starfish)
I'm not sure what's going on here, a lot of different stuff that's for sure—TIME!
THREE FINGER COWBOY
Kissed (Daemon)
Three Finger Cowboy got kind of an 80s sounding pop sound, including what could
best be described as a rewrite of "Kids in America" by Kim Wilde (I
think, it's been awhile). The songs seldom seem to vary very much and the CD
got kind of annoying. I give 'em one finger out of three—TIME!
HAIKU REVIEWS
by Randy McQueen & P.C. Jones
Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot
of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce
another installment of the haiku record review. Classy, ain't it?
COQUETTISH
Total Pop Madness (?)
Melodic hardcore
Energy jam packed with speed
Ska Japanese style
KASPAR HAUSER
Bird's Eye/ Glazed 7" (Spacesuit)
Electric folky rock
Acoustic indie folk rock
With twenty-four strings
IVAN KLIPSTEIN
Lifestyle (Crustacean)
Bubblegum sweet pop
Pink clouds and friendly hand-clap
Psychedelia
THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING
Drinking. Feeling (Swey)
Playful sad man-boy
Strummy childish delight in
Milk cookies speed car
ORGANIC 7" EP
(Microcosm)
Punkers from Portland
Emigrants from Las Vegas
San Francisco sound
WESLEY WILLIS FIASCO
Live EP (C.R.A.S.)
Metal poesy rock
Whipping wild horses asses
Shout simple friction
UNCLE EDDIE
Uncleddium (Crustacean)
Not from Ohio
Funky Midwestern white boys
Firehose rides again
THE JUDAS FACTOR
Kiss Suicide (Revelation)
EMOtive
screamers
use big words for girl trouble
while thrashing metal
THE WEAKERTHANS
Left and Leaving (Sub City)
poetic
license
built to rock sad and lonesome
pretty, literate
POLARIS MINE
Lists of Things (Beatville)
serious
and dark
blending of indie and punk styles
is polaris yours?
THE QUEERS
Beyond the Valley (Hopeless)
wanna-be
Ramones
spewing same old lame tired crap
misanthropic punk
SPIVEYS
V (DPG)
spastic
Midwestern
bare-knuckled, ham-fisted chunks
gnarled and twisted
SAMARKIND/CLOUD
Pitchwheel/Wanker (semperlofi)
peripheral
sounds
subliminal sabotage
split lo-fi head trip
MIRAH
you think it's like this but
it's really like this (K)
sweet
and innocent
songs of lust and love
it's really like this
ELECTRELANE
Rock It to the Moon (Mr. Lady)
atmospheric sounds
lush instrumental landscapes
musical head rush
GASOLINE
Take It to The People 10"/CD (Estrus)
sweaty suit and ties
"power-soul" Japanese-style
Yokkaichi Blues Bros.
MOVIOLA
Rumors of the Faithful (Spirit of Orr)
laidback, lo-fi grooves
you remember indie rock?
Moviola do
ONE TIME ANGELS
Sound of a Restless City (Adeline)
emo pop punk rock
who makes these once angels sing?
the Devil maybe?
OPERATION MAKEOUT
(first base) (Mint)
rock'n'roll makout's
Canadian kiss station
heading for home base
PETER PARKER
Semiautobiographical (Recurving)
venom-filled bites
from radioactive spider
makes band of Parkers
V IS FOR VENDETTA
Beneath This Mask, Another Mask (Mr. Lady)
jagged sparse duet
getting over on the math
with the prog folk tip
DENNIS DRISCOLL
Voices in the Fog (K)
from out of the fog
what is this plucking music?
folk music you fool!
CALVIN JOHNSON
What Was Me (K)
basement baritone
modern day spirituals
was it really you?
KAIA
Oregon (Mr. Lady)
melancholy songs
heartwrenching soulsearching voice
another mind state
THE REPUTATION
The Reputation (Initial)
bad haiku writing
can ruin reputations
but one always tries
MATT SKIBA & KEVIN SECONDS
Split CD (Asian Man)
songwriting talents
an acoustical duel
relief, it's a draw
TENDER TRAP
Film Molecules (K)
poppy funky beat
caught cold in a tender trap
rock disco treat
DAMAGE CONTROL
What it Takes (Livewire)
damage has been done
with crunchy, distorted chords
control is not lost
ENGINE DOWN
Engine Down (Lookout!)
Emotional rock
fighting angst and ennui
living is hard, no?
GREENLAWN ABBEY
Greenlawn Abbey (Diaphragm)
Sixties--style rocking
Toe--tapping and head--bobbing
strongly encouraged
HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS
The Silence in Black and White (Victory)
current hot genre
rough and smooth vocal hybrid
doesn't work for me
MY REVENGE
Less Plot, More Blood (Thorp)
The plot does thicken
punk rock drama soon unfolds
my revenge served cold
PIANO DRAG
Send Us a Signal (One Cell/Ethospine)
jagged sharp edges
recognizable yet new
drag this piano
STRUNG OUT
Exile in Oblivion (Fat Wreck Chords)
melodic punk rock
ala SoCal to be sure
quintet and Vans vets
BEDFORD
Spaceships, Sex, and Jealousy (Microcosm/Boss Tunage)
a band now defunct
collects all their singles here
s peed up the pop, punk!
MADDER MORTEM
Deadland (The End)
Listen to the ways
madder mortem explore death
you'll be madder too
THE MISTREATERS
Playa Hated to the Fullest (Estrus)
amped up garage rock
slows down for the white boy blues
ain't mistreated me
THE ORANGES BAND
On TV (Lookout!)
jangly guitar pop
with sad boy crooner crooning
a good depression
PANTHERS
Let's Get Serious (Dim Mak)
messy brooklyn rock
most instruments lost in mix
as panther slinks by
SHAI HULUD
That Within Blood Ill-Tempered (Revelation)
very angry men
screaming bloody fucking mess
metallic hardcore
THIS DAY FORWARD
In Response (Equal Vision)
heavy rock screaming
melodic rock interplay
a dichotomy
CATCH
TWENTY-TWO
Dinosaur Sounds (Victory)
dinos on cover
and ska fueled rock pop and roll
you can't go wrong
THE DESTROYED
Outta Control (no label)
answering the call
seventies punk pals unite
to destroy again
THE DICK PANTHERS
Differently Abled (Hollow Bunny)
an absurd collage
music as commentary
or as comedy?
EE
Ramadan (Asian Man)
everyone enjoys
enticingly embracing
ephemeral ease
LIBIDO GRANDE
Wrecked (Failed Experiment)
rock music can mask
biological desires
wrecks you in the end
MARTYR A.D.
On Earth as it is in Hell (Victory)
full on metal charge
as tormenting on CD
as it is in hell
JEFF OTT
Will Work for Diapers (Sub City)
lefty folk music
sales will support a good cause
will sell for diapers
Certain CD promos, certain demo tapes, certain
seven inch singles that record companies send us, and even things we fucked
up and paid for, get special treatment here at the Reglar Wiglar Offices. Which
brings us to another installment of:
WESTERN AVENUE
The Longest
Noncurving Street in the World
Western Avenue, the longest, if not the cruelest, dirtiest,
most unforgiving and merciless, noncurving street in the world: I've seen it
rear its ugly, asphalt-coated head, open its guardrail jaws and devour countless
autos, hapless pedestrians and innocent school children. I've seen it destroy
people's lives, loves and dreams. So, if we listen to something and it really
offends us--pisses us off because it sucks so bad—yeah, you catch on quick,
it gets the toss down to Western Avenue, where it don't last log, genius—J.
Germ
Jamies Walters self-titled (Atlantic)Aka Ray Pruitt from the hit Fox television program Beverly
Hills 90210. If you found yourself slowly, but surely, falling in love with
the music and voice (and boyish good looks) of 90210's Ray Pruitt, you'll want
to run right out and buy a copy of this Jamie
Walters CD and play it over and
over again. You'll find solace in his soothing voice and hope in his heartfelt
lyrics. Or you can do waht we did and give it the toss down to Western Ave.A Hasselhoff record coulda lasted longer under that Yugo.
David Hasselhoff self-titled (Critique BMG)Hasselhoff may mean big blue-eyed stud in German but in English
it still means Big Old Chunk of Moldy Cheese.As much as I laugh at Hasselhoff's work as an actor, he's much
better holding in his gut on the beaches of Southern California than he is belting
out annoying covers of classic songs. I thought for sure Hasselhoff was tuffer
than that little Walters twerp, but no such luck, not under the wheels of that
Toyota Camry.
Sponge Rotting Pinata (Sony)What is the primary function of a sponge? Sponges suck. And
so do records by bands named Sponge. What is one definition of a sponge? Kick
it Webster's—"to live at another's expense." Yeah, like Sponge
lives at the expense of sponges Stone Temple Pilots! You know what sponge cake
is? It's cake made without shortening. Fuck that!
Wheeeeee! This CD didn't even make it past the sidewalk 'cause
it sucked in the wind too. Ha haaaaaa!
