From the Columbia Chronicle
February 15, 1993


Has anyone ever dissed on your groove? Stepped on your buzz? Really pissed you off? Welcome to '93; Era of Bill Clinton and the Baby Boomers, and the next generation called Generation X, pulling themselves up by their combat bootstraps.

The old reich has pardoned itself out of office and the new Reich has apologized, in advance, for any number of things that it won't be able to accomplish in a limited, four year term.

But they say that this is the dawning of a new age for America. Age of Aquarius? Possible. First time in this country that a president has been elected who was born after World War II (big deal, it had to happen sooner or later.)

Youthful idealism, Rock the Vote. They say that today's kids don't care, but we watch MTV News, we know what's really going on, as it applies to our lives, Gun'n'Roses and Madonna. At any rate, it was the young vote that helped change the election, that, and a lot of promises. Are our hopes too high? Maybe everyone's just a little too excited? Just take a look at Clinton's Inaugural Balls, man, what were they all about? Old Boy George would never have gotten that kind of welcome-to-the-highest-office-in-the-land party. Fleetwood Mac?! Who would have dreamt that a vote for Clinton was a vote for a Fleetwood Mac reunion? Not this young optimist, that's for sure.

The honeymoon will be over soon though. Soon we can all go back to bitching about how dishonest politicians are, how things really don't seem to be that much better, another drive by, another Air Raid, another Amy Fisher shoots her lover's wife movie. Another Bud Bowl come and gone, and your team didn't win... again.

So what are you afraid of? Total Lightosity, viscosity, thermo-nuclear breakdown, minoxidil, Acquired Immune Deficiency? Family value deterioration, ozone depletion? Crooked cops, crack, Crystal Pepsi, Green Peace Activist, White Supremacists, Black Militants, conservatives, liberals, radicals, Rush Limbaugh? Limp-wristed fighter pilots, booty videos, ball breakers, rump shakers, grunge fashion? Things you can't qualify? People who can't compromise? Kevin Costner?

You can't hide under the funky hypnotic love table forever. Pop a Mentos, relax. This is it and that's that. It doesn't get any better than this.

You've borrowed thousands of dollars for the knowledge in your head and all the cynicism that goes with it, and to think you could have learned it all from a beer commercial, but why ask why? Just drink, right?

Wrong. Open your eyes, your underwear is burning and there's not enough Evian in the whole world to put out this fire, 'cause it's not your underwear, it's your brain, that other retainer of undigested glop that looked a whole lot better in the commercial but damn it if your Quilted White Cloud doesn't feel like a very fine grade of sandpaper.

So hit the fast forward button on your remote control, obtain infinite wisdom, do onto others, do so now. No matter what the future holds, holding onto the past gets you nowhere fast.

Don't "just do it," think about it first, you're not a tennis shoe, are you? And hey, "don't stop thinking about tomorrow..."

Gem of the Day: True conservationists don't waste their time recycling.

© 1993 Chris Auman