From the Columbia Chronicle
March 1, 1993

I appreciate this opportunity to spew out, onto paper, the garbage that clutters my brain. A steady diet of bologna sandwiches and black coffee can create some very nasty thoughts in that big juicy organ and unless vented into the proper channels, these thoughts can be very destructive. I experienced the unpleasant sensation of having my brain explode one November afternoon several years ago, and it wasn't pretty. Certain rules must be laid down and adhered to, but I'm not going to get into that right now.

Right now, I've noticed that there's been a lot of bitching and moaning from certain people, we'll call them Republicans, about how the Clinton Administration hasn't done a damn thing yet and how Clinton's deficit reduction plan is going to suck the bone marrow out of every hard-working American from Portland to Pennsylvania. I've also noticed that on the opposite end of the spectrum, you've got a bunch of ass-coverers and excuse-makers saying that no president in history has been under this much scrutiny in his first weeks of office. This defense will soon be extended to first months in office, years, terms and then it's over. "He's doing too much," "Not enough," "Tastes great," "Less filling." Lighten up already. It took the Republicans twelve years t screw up this country. Damn it, I say the Democrats can do it in four. (Hysterical applause) Thank you.

So what's my point and where do you fit into all of this craziness? I'll tell yah. Recently, as of noon today, I have been trying to think of what purpose I serve on this planet. Then the realization hit me that, as of noon today, my life has served no purpose. Sure, the guy who owns the liquor store on the corner appreciates me, but other than that, nada. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not so sure that your life has served that much of a purpose in benefiting humankind either. I think we can help each other with this, so check it out. Despite the election of the new, supposedly hip, President Bill, I don't think that politics is quite hip enough, yah dig? Not hip like you and me. So what I was sort of thinking of doing is forming a new political party, and you're invited. In '96 you, me, and some select hip friends will take our party, the Grunge Faction (or some such topical name), and run for office. Not Alderman, not Mayorship, screw it, President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (smile when you read those words, darn you, Commie).

When elected I'm going to appoint a cabinet of long-haired freaks (freaks being a non-gender, non-race-specific term), with bad-ass tattoos and even badder attitudes. There's going to be a Secretary of Balls Out Rock'n'Roll, Secretary of Def Jams and Booty Shakin', and Secretary of Ass Kickin' (formerly the Sec. of Defense). There's going to be the Homo Faction, in charge of deterring homophobic infractions. Ice Cube's gonna head up the Posse for Peace in the Nation. Political Correctness will be adhered to in actions, not in labels and terms. Of course, the rich will be eaten. Headline News will be replaced with Sec. of Information, Dennis Leary and the MTV News. The State of the Union Address will be given during the intermission of five-hour rock'n'roll shows, headlined by my favorite bands. Vegetarians will be forced to eat at least one hot dog per day.

It's gonna be fantastic. Disneyland's gonna be a missile base, if I chose not to blow that whole thing up, God hates Disneyland. Religious madmen, like Ben Hinn and Pat Robertson, are going to be sent straight to hell, God doesn't like them either.

Kevin Costner, Rush Limbaugh, Vanilla Ice—jail with no hope of parole.

Now if you think this is going to be another Hippy Freak ticket from the flower power generation, you'd better check your head, right now. No acid and bean sprouts in my cabinet.

And if you think that my plan isn't going to work, then you are probably right. But if it doesn't work it will only because you didn't help me enough. I'm disillusioned with the whole thing already. I'm gonna pull a Perot right now and back out while I still have some integrity intact and before I have to lie to you, my supporters. But at least I tried, at least I thought about it for a couple of depraved minutes. Thank you!

Gem of the day: A penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny earned ain't worth much.

1993 © Chris Auman